(Because who can trust what they thought when they were an 8th grader.....?)
This has been working its way to my fingertips for months now. I have been anticipating the 25th anniversary of the best day EVER for awhile. In honor (… of myself…..) of the occasion these are some things I have been waiting to put out there. I apologize if you've read any of it somewhere else or if it sounds really cliché… I promise it came from my head!
I can't blame who I am today on my parents…. maybe who I was 10 years ago, but not today.
It is the hardest thing to realize that you have to take responsibility for yourself… your personality….habits… tendencies….choices etc. It is even harder to forgive the things and people that made you that way. I think this is because we can't decide whether to forgive them or thank them.
God isn't silent. I can look back and point out the exact times in my life when He was screaming for my attention. I just didn't realize it then. Now, I hear him everyday and He rarely has to raise his voice.
I do not follow a specific religion. I understand that Christ came to end religion.
Following Christ will (not can...but will) cause you to break a lot of rules. Other people's.... but also the ones that you have had set in your heart and your mind since you were born. I have learned to tell the difference between compromising my faith and following his will.
I've found that people neither need nor want your opinions and ideas, but they do need and want Christ's love. That really is the only thing of value that I have to offer.
I may "always be in a relationship" as some like to complain, um I mean point out... but I never take them lightly and in each one I can always say I am true to myself in my speech as well as my actions. What does that say about those who are "always single" but play with or even dismiss other people's (and their own) feelings.
Some friendships will not last forever. I have finally learned what being a friend DOES NOT include. There are too many to list.
I can now see who will be here with me for the next 25 years and who won't and I happily accept it.
The last, but certainly not the least, bit I would like to share is actually best expressed in a song. Its a fairly new one from Rascal Flatts. Anyway, it describes one of the truest parts of my life better than I could with my own words:
'Here'
There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it a couple times
Even settled down
And I'd hand around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breaking
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by, God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads I had to take
To get me in your arms this way
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to here
And if that's the road God made me take to be with you
Then I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breaking
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here
18.11.08
27.10.08
had to add this.....
video about more issues.... sorry more politcal-ness... i love this one
this one... on the other hand.... makes me sick to my stomach, goes along with my previous blog... these people claim the same faith as me ...ugh :(
this one... on the other hand.... makes me sick to my stomach, goes along with my previous blog... these people claim the same faith as me ...ugh :(
9.10.08
24.9.08
in the spirit of things....
everything around me has been so politically charged lately (i wonder if this is because i have been doing nothing except watching a lot of tv...cnn to be exact, thanks to my parents)
I was trying to keep politcal things out of my blog, but I do have to rant about something I heard on AirOne (?) this week. Christian radio station...... right? Well, yea so theres this guy basically encouraging christians to vote and to educate themselves before doing so. Pretty simple message, cant really argue with it.
The part that got to me is that he was referencing the "same-sex marriage" issue, stating that the judicial system has too much power and that christian families are threatened by their rulings on the issues. So educate yourself about how to get those judges out of power is really where the add is heading.
So here's my rant (which is basically what was going through my head when i heard it on the radio):
Seriously??? We are Christians. We are followers of Jesus and children of the most powerful entity.... ever. And you are going to tell me that I should fear for the future of the "family" structure in America? Because a bunch of homosexual people want to legally wed, that is somehow going to change the way that I live or continue to raise my family??? WTF?!?.............
and the rant only continues... im pretty sure that my body tempurature rose during all of this.
The point really is not the rant, but the fact that I realized (ONCE AGAIN) why so many people in the world today turn away from Christians....bc some things we do, say, stand up for, etc. ARE ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS...and fleeting, and miss the point of true Christianity completely.
and .... I get to be grouped, stereotyped, associated with people like that, people that run those kinds of adds. Its extremely discouraging.
I was trying to keep politcal things out of my blog, but I do have to rant about something I heard on AirOne (?) this week. Christian radio station...... right? Well, yea so theres this guy basically encouraging christians to vote and to educate themselves before doing so. Pretty simple message, cant really argue with it.
The part that got to me is that he was referencing the "same-sex marriage" issue, stating that the judicial system has too much power and that christian families are threatened by their rulings on the issues. So educate yourself about how to get those judges out of power is really where the add is heading.
So here's my rant (which is basically what was going through my head when i heard it on the radio):
Seriously??? We are Christians. We are followers of Jesus and children of the most powerful entity.... ever. And you are going to tell me that I should fear for the future of the "family" structure in America? Because a bunch of homosexual people want to legally wed, that is somehow going to change the way that I live or continue to raise my family??? WTF?!?.............
and the rant only continues... im pretty sure that my body tempurature rose during all of this.
The point really is not the rant, but the fact that I realized (ONCE AGAIN) why so many people in the world today turn away from Christians....bc some things we do, say, stand up for, etc. ARE ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS...and fleeting, and miss the point of true Christianity completely.
and .... I get to be grouped, stereotyped, associated with people like that, people that run those kinds of adds. Its extremely discouraging.
18.9.08
feeling used (but not in a bad way this time)
a few weeks ago i was minding my own business... in line at wal-mart (omg.... yes i actually forced myself to go there) it was the middle of the day... i was thinking about absolutely nothing and most likely nawing at my fingernails waiting to be checked out....
i heard the 2 women behind me chatting and then i realize one of them is saying "excuse me ma'am" ...trying to get my attention.... im not sure how many times she had to say it since i was off in my own little world ..... but it finally registered in my brain and turned around....
they asked me for a ride... just came right out and asked if i could give them a ride. random right??
well.... as mentioned through-out my blog. I no longer believe in randomness, so I mentally size them up in about a split second.... and got no bad vibe. So I started talking to them.... turns out they are staying at a shelter near-by but their original ride had to leave due to an emergency... turns out while they were shopping they asked god to provide another way home for them.
i dont blame them. it was way too hot to walk back... with groceries none-the-less.....
so they ended up in line behind me, and im guessing that they read my shirt, bc i happened to be wearing one with christian references and a bible verse on the back!
i took them home and we chatted a bit and gave the short versions of our lives.... after dropping them off i was extremely giddy. i was so happy to be able to do something nice for them but i was more excited that i was blessed by meeting 2 women of faith and being able to rejoice in gods greatness for all of 5 minutes we spent in the car together......
the funniest part about the whole thing, which i reflected on with the bf later that night: i could not for the life of me figure out what to wear that morning!! the tshirt was the last resort to me but ended up being a sign for those women....
i hope i can randomly run into them again someday :)
i heard the 2 women behind me chatting and then i realize one of them is saying "excuse me ma'am" ...trying to get my attention.... im not sure how many times she had to say it since i was off in my own little world ..... but it finally registered in my brain and turned around....
they asked me for a ride... just came right out and asked if i could give them a ride. random right??
well.... as mentioned through-out my blog. I no longer believe in randomness, so I mentally size them up in about a split second.... and got no bad vibe. So I started talking to them.... turns out they are staying at a shelter near-by but their original ride had to leave due to an emergency... turns out while they were shopping they asked god to provide another way home for them.
i dont blame them. it was way too hot to walk back... with groceries none-the-less.....
so they ended up in line behind me, and im guessing that they read my shirt, bc i happened to be wearing one with christian references and a bible verse on the back!
i took them home and we chatted a bit and gave the short versions of our lives.... after dropping them off i was extremely giddy. i was so happy to be able to do something nice for them but i was more excited that i was blessed by meeting 2 women of faith and being able to rejoice in gods greatness for all of 5 minutes we spent in the car together......
the funniest part about the whole thing, which i reflected on with the bf later that night: i could not for the life of me figure out what to wear that morning!! the tshirt was the last resort to me but ended up being a sign for those women....
i hope i can randomly run into them again someday :)
23.8.08
at last . . .
Last month i had the opportunity to visit a place called The Wave... just north of the grand canyon... basically right smack-dab on the az/utah border. Some friends and I stayed for a weekend in a wilderness area of paria canyon/vermillion cliffs national park.
The trip could not have been at a better time in my life. Just another reason to thank God for his hand in my life. With my head full of questions and a brokenheart, I had the most amazing experience with the lord.
It was very personal to me and Im not going to go into much detail, but the first hike we made was in this area called Buckskin Gulch. Here is a great picture taken by one of my friends. Little did she know she was documenting an amazing conversation....
if you look toward the left side & center of the page you can see me sitting up on a cliff.... I so badly wanted to get away from the group while we were exploring the canyon, and i had finally gotten a chance.... it was weird once i sat down and was completely alone... the tears just began to fall non-stop, but for some reason i felt completely calm... i felt a very comforting presence all around me. it was such a beautiful view...... so vast that it made my life and my problems seem small and pointless..... its strange how it took a 6-hour drive and a trek to the middle of nowhere to be reminded that he is always with me....
the last day before we set out to hike, i had some more time alone at the campsite. i just wanted to pray and thank god for the day before.... but he had other things in mind. i had my ipod and was just letting the songs play at random..... while i was praying he just decided to reveal a lot of things to me about my life and my situations.... some not so great to have to face.... of all the things he showed me that morning i just wanted to share the one that meant the most:
He did create those canyons, caused the prehistoric volcanoes and all the processes that produced such an amazing landscape.... beauty beyond describing... but that same awesome power created every part of me! I am just as amazing as what I was experiencing that whole weekend. All the beauty that I saw in the mountains, cliffs, and canyons.... that same beauty is woven through-out me. All of nature is just a reflection of God but I seem to set myself apart from that....me... small, insignifigant, doubting, and worrisome me. Until I truely understand and ACCEPT that truth.... I will not be happy and I cannot grow.
I cant even begin to describe how the need for that truth has been present in my life for YEARS. YEARS. And I am just getting it now.... and the fact that it was revealed to me then (as in last month) has already transformed my life and is helping me today, as more life situations have made themselves present.
Here are some other photos of the trek :) sorry for the sideways one.... i hate windows vista.
2.8.08
my new fav band
just heard Addison Road for the first time tonight in the car.... so had to check them out online, good stuff... god is timely.
I don’t know what to pray for
I don’t know what to say
But my heart is breaking
And I am thinking “things shouldn’t be this way”
We’re stretched, we’re pulled and twisted
In ways we weren’t meant to be
It’s just too hard to let life pass quietly
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?What is right?
I want so bad to keep you
But I know that it is time
So I give you up
But not in my mind
Your voice, your laugh and your stories
The things that you helped me through
Your faith has helped me grow
It’s brought you home too
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?
What is right?
Hold on, Let go
Hold on, Let go
Hold on, Let go
Hold on, Let go
Like I said... timely. But my new fav. song is the one called Sticking With You... just makes me happy.
I don’t know what to pray for
I don’t know what to say
But my heart is breaking
And I am thinking “things shouldn’t be this way”
We’re stretched, we’re pulled and twisted
In ways we weren’t meant to be
It’s just too hard to let life pass quietly
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?What is right?
I want so bad to keep you
But I know that it is time
So I give you up
But not in my mind
Your voice, your laugh and your stories
The things that you helped me through
Your faith has helped me grow
It’s brought you home too
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?
Hold on, Let go
Well, it’s so hard to know
What is right, what is right?
What is right?
Hold on, Let go
Hold on, Let go
Hold on, Let go
Hold on, Let go
Like I said... timely. But my new fav. song is the one called Sticking With You... just makes me happy.
29.7.08
awesome...... and not awesome
blah. that is how i feel about blogging lately.
sorry to the faithful readers (you know who you are.... and i do as well...sort of....)
I miss my Sedona Stalker. I wonder who you were.
So grace-walk is on hold... in case you had not noticed. I literally don't even know where my notes/book is at the moment... I also have not spent time thinking about that stuff for awhile... I have not even been able to seriously sit down with my bible in awhile either... since im going to be honest..... which on a side-note is interesting.... I have not read my bible... but I have not felt so in-tune with jesus and my faith as I am feeling lately... I have just been blessed with an amazing support group.... some came out of nowhere even, but i am extremely thankful for them all....
anywho...back to updating
I am now officially living in Casa Grande, Az again. I have mixed feelings about it so far.
Free rent.... awesome. Having my parents keeping tabs on me.... not awesome. And its not in a strict way... just a "hey where are you? or where are you going? what time are you coming home?" I'm going to miss not having to report to anyone.
Also, I just managed to move my whole life into a room that is about the same size as my closet at my townhouse in tempe..... the fact that I am making it work.... awesome. The realization that I own waaaaaaaaaay to much crap.... not awesome.
my company landed an amazing contract..... awesome. I am going to be commuting on I-10 now everyday.... not awesome.
being welcomed back by some great old friends (and new ones too) with arms wide open.... awesome. Having to explain to them what happened .... not awesome. Word gets around in a small town and how do you tell your story w/o bias?
i get to spend time with my family again... awesome. i am reminded daily that there is a family that i have lost as well.... not awesome.
i get to see my darling nephews everyday now... awesome. sometimes being with them reminds me of plans that i have to let go of.... not awesome.
awesome, i am actually experiencing more joy than i expected lately...... not awesome, there are a lot of loose ends that i think i will never have a chance to tie up .... a lot of things left unsaid...
there is a great lesson to be learned.......sounds like my next blog
that is as clever as i can be tonight.
i thank jesus for my comfort and my clarity through all of this
sorry to the faithful readers (you know who you are.... and i do as well...sort of....)
I miss my Sedona Stalker. I wonder who you were.
So grace-walk is on hold... in case you had not noticed. I literally don't even know where my notes/book is at the moment... I also have not spent time thinking about that stuff for awhile... I have not even been able to seriously sit down with my bible in awhile either... since im going to be honest..... which on a side-note is interesting.... I have not read my bible... but I have not felt so in-tune with jesus and my faith as I am feeling lately... I have just been blessed with an amazing support group.... some came out of nowhere even, but i am extremely thankful for them all....
anywho...back to updating
I am now officially living in Casa Grande, Az again. I have mixed feelings about it so far.
Free rent.... awesome. Having my parents keeping tabs on me.... not awesome. And its not in a strict way... just a "hey where are you? or where are you going? what time are you coming home?" I'm going to miss not having to report to anyone.
Also, I just managed to move my whole life into a room that is about the same size as my closet at my townhouse in tempe..... the fact that I am making it work.... awesome. The realization that I own waaaaaaaaaay to much crap.... not awesome.
my company landed an amazing contract..... awesome. I am going to be commuting on I-10 now everyday.... not awesome.
being welcomed back by some great old friends (and new ones too) with arms wide open.... awesome. Having to explain to them what happened .... not awesome. Word gets around in a small town and how do you tell your story w/o bias?
i get to spend time with my family again... awesome. i am reminded daily that there is a family that i have lost as well.... not awesome.
i get to see my darling nephews everyday now... awesome. sometimes being with them reminds me of plans that i have to let go of.... not awesome.
awesome, i am actually experiencing more joy than i expected lately...... not awesome, there are a lot of loose ends that i think i will never have a chance to tie up .... a lot of things left unsaid...
there is a great lesson to be learned.......sounds like my next blog
that is as clever as i can be tonight.
i thank jesus for my comfort and my clarity through all of this
9.7.08
the first truth (back to grace walk again)
(sorry for the interruption)
ask this on a sunday morning and see the discussion arise: What does it mean to live a Christian life? Why is everyone's answer completely different.... who knows. But no one really seems to have the real answer.
I use to answer that with "your life should look like this" kind of answers. Filled with reading your bible, praying a lot, saving the world, being nice, etc. So this first truth puzzled me for awhile bc it clearly strikes down a "your life should look like this" type of answer.
Truth: Improving your behavior will not give you victory in the Christian life.
Um hello? I have been taught for how many years of my life how to become more christian or be closer to god... and there was always something i needed to improve on or do better in order to have that perfect life.
But the author really got my brain turning because he asks "what are some of the things you've done to try to be victorious?" but right after asks if those actions really gave you a victorious life. NO! Mediocre at best... filled with lots of "rededication" (which by the way is not even a word, according to spell check... if its not a word how can you do it?)
But the bible describes the Christian life as full of joy and victory? Whats the deal then? I have felt more defeat than victory in my life.
What really stuck out to me thinking about this truth is the word flesh. Paul describes his life before Christ as "fleshy" (Philippians 3:3-6) But to everyone else he seemed perfect. I have read that passage so many times but never got what he was saying until now. Paul says its not about what family you are raised in, how well u know scripture, how devoted you are, or how perfect you may act. Its not about behavior.... so then why did i ever think that improving my behavior would make my life better? No idea.
I now see flesh as living a life based on :
Self- Sufficiency
Achievement
Trying
Earning favor
Promising
Self-Improvement
Commitment
Dedication
Instead of a life based on just trusting God. Before this, I always put flesh with murder, adultery, immorality, etc.
So what does it mean to live the Christian life? It means to trust God, with everything... with your whole life..... and thats it. Thats what it looks like.
Easy enough answer.... no one ever seems to give that answer though.
The next thing I really enjoyed was how the author uses Genesis to put all of this in perspective. How to live a Christian life is right there, in the first book (Genesis 2:8-9, 16-17). My favorite part is pointing out the 2 specific trees... theres the Tree of Life .... and the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil.
That would be the first indication that Life .... and Right&Wrong.... are completely separate things.... (I never even noticed that distinction before... and we have all read Genesis 2 like a bajillion times).....PLUS God never intended that people live a life knowing good & evil which is why they were forbidden to eat from that tree....and only that tree... All they had to do was trust God, he had provided everything for them... THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Why did they eat from it then? For 2 reasons.... 1)they thought they could do (behavior) something to be like God and 2) they thought that they were not like God. Both of those were lies... (Genesis 1:26-31 and 3:5)
Anyway, I totally relate to Eve. I have a desire to be godly and so I try to improve myself, but really I have been lied to... I am already like God, I even have Christ as my life. I don't have to do anything at all. Not one thing.... except trust God and allow him to transform me....
"oh the folly of trying to enter a room that you are already in." -- watchman nee
ask this on a sunday morning and see the discussion arise: What does it mean to live a Christian life? Why is everyone's answer completely different.... who knows. But no one really seems to have the real answer.
I use to answer that with "your life should look like this" kind of answers. Filled with reading your bible, praying a lot, saving the world, being nice, etc. So this first truth puzzled me for awhile bc it clearly strikes down a "your life should look like this" type of answer.
Truth: Improving your behavior will not give you victory in the Christian life.
Um hello? I have been taught for how many years of my life how to become more christian or be closer to god... and there was always something i needed to improve on or do better in order to have that perfect life.
But the author really got my brain turning because he asks "what are some of the things you've done to try to be victorious?" but right after asks if those actions really gave you a victorious life. NO! Mediocre at best... filled with lots of "rededication" (which by the way is not even a word, according to spell check... if its not a word how can you do it?)
But the bible describes the Christian life as full of joy and victory? Whats the deal then? I have felt more defeat than victory in my life.
What really stuck out to me thinking about this truth is the word flesh. Paul describes his life before Christ as "fleshy" (Philippians 3:3-6) But to everyone else he seemed perfect. I have read that passage so many times but never got what he was saying until now. Paul says its not about what family you are raised in, how well u know scripture, how devoted you are, or how perfect you may act. Its not about behavior.... so then why did i ever think that improving my behavior would make my life better? No idea.
I now see flesh as living a life based on :
Self- Sufficiency
Achievement
Trying
Earning favor
Promising
Self-Improvement
Commitment
Dedication
Instead of a life based on just trusting God. Before this, I always put flesh with murder, adultery, immorality, etc.
So what does it mean to live the Christian life? It means to trust God, with everything... with your whole life..... and thats it. Thats what it looks like.
Easy enough answer.... no one ever seems to give that answer though.
The next thing I really enjoyed was how the author uses Genesis to put all of this in perspective. How to live a Christian life is right there, in the first book (Genesis 2:8-9, 16-17). My favorite part is pointing out the 2 specific trees... theres the Tree of Life .... and the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil.
That would be the first indication that Life .... and Right&Wrong.... are completely separate things.... (I never even noticed that distinction before... and we have all read Genesis 2 like a bajillion times).....PLUS God never intended that people live a life knowing good & evil which is why they were forbidden to eat from that tree....and only that tree... All they had to do was trust God, he had provided everything for them... THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Why did they eat from it then? For 2 reasons.... 1)they thought they could do (behavior) something to be like God and 2) they thought that they were not like God. Both of those were lies... (Genesis 1:26-31 and 3:5)
Anyway, I totally relate to Eve. I have a desire to be godly and so I try to improve myself, but really I have been lied to... I am already like God, I even have Christ as my life. I don't have to do anything at all. Not one thing.... except trust God and allow him to transform me....
"oh the folly of trying to enter a room that you are already in." -- watchman nee
5.7.08
are you walking worthy today?
1. You have decided to ignore someone completely because you are too cowardly to break up with them
2. When you finally get enough balls to talk to that person you give them some line about "needing time and space"
3. Instead of actually being honest with anyone you make up some story about how this person is distracting you from your "ministry"
4. You ignore the fact that this person has been there for you through everything when you were too ashamed to talk to anyone else about your life situations
5. You also ignore the fact that this person was ready to move across the country for you and change their entire life because they were 100% on board with what your dreams were
6. You have decided to talk to another girl instead of actually having to face the person who is suppose to mean the world to you
7. You are still refusing to have any type of communication with the previous person yet this person can clearly read the writing on the wall
8. When you tell someone "I love you" there is a 99% chance that you have no idea how you feel
9. You have told someone that you want to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them but not really meant it... but you still went as far as SETTING A DATE.
10. Your actions do not produce consequences (Read the way I treat people doesn't affect me).
If you identify with any of these statements, then you are most likely not walking worthy today. Or any other day really.
Just a small piece of advice (although you probably won't take it because, what would a girl like me have to offer you anyway?)
Ignoring problems does not make them go away, and (i know this is a shocker....) but ignoring people also does not make them go away.
Sooner or later you will reap what you sew.
2. When you finally get enough balls to talk to that person you give them some line about "needing time and space"
3. Instead of actually being honest with anyone you make up some story about how this person is distracting you from your "ministry"
4. You ignore the fact that this person has been there for you through everything when you were too ashamed to talk to anyone else about your life situations
5. You also ignore the fact that this person was ready to move across the country for you and change their entire life because they were 100% on board with what your dreams were
6. You have decided to talk to another girl instead of actually having to face the person who is suppose to mean the world to you
7. You are still refusing to have any type of communication with the previous person yet this person can clearly read the writing on the wall
8. When you tell someone "I love you" there is a 99% chance that you have no idea how you feel
9. You have told someone that you want to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them but not really meant it... but you still went as far as SETTING A DATE.
10. Your actions do not produce consequences (Read the way I treat people doesn't affect me).
If you identify with any of these statements, then you are most likely not walking worthy today. Or any other day really.
Just a small piece of advice (although you probably won't take it because, what would a girl like me have to offer you anyway?)
Ignoring problems does not make them go away, and (i know this is a shocker....) but ignoring people also does not make them go away.
Sooner or later you will reap what you sew.
1.7.08
a sidenote...
this is not part of the grace walk experience as i mentioned the next posts would be about that....
i was just hanging out with some good friends tonight having some interesting "catch-up on our lives" conversations and it got me thinking about many things...
when do people grow up? not behaviorally, bc we all know its no fun to always act grown up...
but really grow up, like find out who they are and stop putting up all the fronts and stop saying/being what people want to hear/see and instead say/be what they actually mean/are ?
my girls and i have an interesting mix of life-happenings (i like that, im calling them that from now on) all very different from each other..... but when it comes down to it, they are so similar
and here, the whole time, we are trying to make everyone think that we've got it all together yet, none of us do!
and we wait until it gets to that low low point to reach out to each other... just to find out that we all know how the other one is feeling ....
you would think at some point (uh, say like now) i could identify this and then change the cycle, break the habit
we'll see :)
i was just hanging out with some good friends tonight having some interesting "catch-up on our lives" conversations and it got me thinking about many things...
when do people grow up? not behaviorally, bc we all know its no fun to always act grown up...
but really grow up, like find out who they are and stop putting up all the fronts and stop saying/being what people want to hear/see and instead say/be what they actually mean/are ?
my girls and i have an interesting mix of life-happenings (i like that, im calling them that from now on) all very different from each other..... but when it comes down to it, they are so similar
and here, the whole time, we are trying to make everyone think that we've got it all together yet, none of us do!
and we wait until it gets to that low low point to reach out to each other... just to find out that we all know how the other one is feeling ....
you would think at some point (uh, say like now) i could identify this and then change the cycle, break the habit
we'll see :)
26.6.08
John 10:10
I came that they might have life, and have it more abundantly...
Abundant...you know, like more than enough...full. Whenever I think of the word full I get the image of my belly swelling from too much food..... like after thanksgiving dinner when everyone has to undo the top button on their pants (you know you do). Thanksgiving dinner is always satisfying..... I would never have associated Jesus or my life as satisfying as thanksgiving dinner.
here were my thoughts as to why:
1. Is God even using me right now for anything great, anything big...anything special? Am I even worth it?
2. Why can't I show others that I interact with "Christ-in-me"...? Im always messing something up...
3. Do I even know what I believe? I'm not even sure if what I believe is true sometimes, how can I seriously share that with other people?
To live abundantly....or to live life to the fullest, is so frustrating when you don't really understand what that is suppose to look like... Those were the thoughts i wrote during the very first day of the study.... supposedly, if i really understand grace... than the abundant life Jesus mentions is not so hard to have (this is the whole theme of the study)
but this was my only concept of grace when i started:
grace covers all sins.... past, present, future and allowed my salvation.
It has been revealed to me that grace is so much more than that...
Which leads me to the one thing that stood out to me the most at the beginning. A very simple statement that didnt mean much when i first underlined it, but going over it again today.... it has blown my mind.....
The author is discussing the different ways people gain knowledge, the first being by receiving information and the other by revelation (this being a supernatural way....or from the Holy Spirit) In a nutshell:
Education informs you, the result: you know more.
Revelation transforms you, the result: you can be more....
I can actually be.... or experience gods word.... !
Thats amazing to me. I had never thought of learning in any other way besides the "school" way. I think it may be because I enjoy gaining knowledge. I like to learn (read Im a huge nerd). And I am really good at it.... not to brag or anything.
But stay with me here....
So information educates me, but God wants me to have more than an education on things like jesus, grace, etc. He wants me to have an experience, so much so that the Holy Spirit will just allow me to understand things... all things.... any things.. even the really hard and confusing things....
Grace is more than some definition that I can regurgitate about my forgiveness of sins. It doesn't just stop at the reason I am saved. Its an experience... a way to live, not just another piece of information to store in my brain.
Wow... and this was just the first day!
Abundant...you know, like more than enough...full. Whenever I think of the word full I get the image of my belly swelling from too much food..... like after thanksgiving dinner when everyone has to undo the top button on their pants (you know you do). Thanksgiving dinner is always satisfying..... I would never have associated Jesus or my life as satisfying as thanksgiving dinner.
here were my thoughts as to why:
1. Is God even using me right now for anything great, anything big...anything special? Am I even worth it?
2. Why can't I show others that I interact with "Christ-in-me"...? Im always messing something up...
3. Do I even know what I believe? I'm not even sure if what I believe is true sometimes, how can I seriously share that with other people?
To live abundantly....or to live life to the fullest, is so frustrating when you don't really understand what that is suppose to look like... Those were the thoughts i wrote during the very first day of the study.... supposedly, if i really understand grace... than the abundant life Jesus mentions is not so hard to have (this is the whole theme of the study)
but this was my only concept of grace when i started:
grace covers all sins.... past, present, future and allowed my salvation.
It has been revealed to me that grace is so much more than that...
Which leads me to the one thing that stood out to me the most at the beginning. A very simple statement that didnt mean much when i first underlined it, but going over it again today.... it has blown my mind.....
The author is discussing the different ways people gain knowledge, the first being by receiving information and the other by revelation (this being a supernatural way....or from the Holy Spirit) In a nutshell:
Education informs you, the result: you know more.
Revelation transforms you, the result: you can be more....
I can actually be.... or experience gods word.... !
Thats amazing to me. I had never thought of learning in any other way besides the "school" way. I think it may be because I enjoy gaining knowledge. I like to learn (read Im a huge nerd). And I am really good at it.... not to brag or anything.
But stay with me here....
So information educates me, but God wants me to have more than an education on things like jesus, grace, etc. He wants me to have an experience, so much so that the Holy Spirit will just allow me to understand things... all things.... any things.. even the really hard and confusing things....
Grace is more than some definition that I can regurgitate about my forgiveness of sins. It doesn't just stop at the reason I am saved. Its an experience... a way to live, not just another piece of information to store in my brain.
Wow... and this was just the first day!
24.6.08
i know something you dont know
so it has been a little over 8 weeks since i posted this ... and i did not think i was ever going to come to a real conclusion about that question... my bf even turned it into a joke.
well, no more laughing! i just finished up an 8 week study called the Grace Walk Experience. i have done a couple devotional type bible studies so i didnt think much of this one when my group started it.... i mean, how different will this be? they are all the same...
But today I stand corrected. This book has changed my entire life and has completely set me free..... because now I know:
God has no expectations of me. None. Zero.
And I can say that in complete confidence. I know that I have nothing to achieve, nothing to attain, and nothing to prove. To anyone... not even God.
I am completely perfect and holy. God doesn't just see me that way, I AM that way... completely righteous. There is no way for me to "get closer" to him or somehow become a more holy or godly person. No way....none at all. I am already there.
All because of the past 8 weeks, I have discovered my real identity in Christ... it is mind blowing...but so freeing. My next couple of posts are going to be all about this. I have learned so much, I am going through the whole thing again, and I want to share it here.
****NOTE*****
All of you lurkers.... or creepers...whatever the blog lingo is for those of you who read but never make yourself known, I am inviting you to throw some ideas around with me for the next couple of posts. ( I know that you exist bc I can see you on my tracker.... but i have no idea who any of you are)
well, no more laughing! i just finished up an 8 week study called the Grace Walk Experience. i have done a couple devotional type bible studies so i didnt think much of this one when my group started it.... i mean, how different will this be? they are all the same...
But today I stand corrected. This book has changed my entire life and has completely set me free..... because now I know:
God has no expectations of me. None. Zero.
And I can say that in complete confidence. I know that I have nothing to achieve, nothing to attain, and nothing to prove. To anyone... not even God.
I am completely perfect and holy. God doesn't just see me that way, I AM that way... completely righteous. There is no way for me to "get closer" to him or somehow become a more holy or godly person. No way....none at all. I am already there.
All because of the past 8 weeks, I have discovered my real identity in Christ... it is mind blowing...but so freeing. My next couple of posts are going to be all about this. I have learned so much, I am going through the whole thing again, and I want to share it here.
****NOTE*****
All of you lurkers.... or creepers...whatever the blog lingo is for those of you who read but never make yourself known, I am inviting you to throw some ideas around with me for the next couple of posts. ( I know that you exist bc I can see you on my tracker.... but i have no idea who any of you are)
23.6.08
tagged by the queen :)
omg, april! what the heck is this tagging stuff?? anyway…. i really wanted something to do tonight so this is like an answered prayer, kind of.
The ABC's of me:
A. Attached or Single? Single… if this is like tax forms i fill out, otherwise its complicated.
B. Best Friend? or friends…bc I can never just choose one… I have 4 girls that I have known practically my whole life that will always have my back and that I can always count on when it matters. they are the ones that know who I am and I feel most comfortable around …. choosing a maid of honor is going to suck…
C. Cake or Pie? Cake… hands down…. I have never really been into pie… but maybe cuz I never grew up with someone who made a lot of good homemade pies.
D. Day of choice? hmmm….never thought about this one before….my birthday? lately thursday because it’s my weekend… the only day I do not work, babysit, play soccer, or go to church (wich essentially are the only things I do, ever)
E. Essential item? cell phone. i feel like i have lost an appendage when i forget it or when the battery dies! but just to note chapstick is a very close second
F. Favorite color? this is a ridiculous question to ask a designer!! Cmon….color is my favorite. Just for kicks I will say that I tend to be drawn to greens, most shades…not really the deep ones (like hunter green)..my all time favorite green is the color of golf grass.
G. Gummy Bears or
H. Home town? Yea, i agree with you on this april, what does this mean? Where I live now? Where I was born? Where I grew up? i live in
I. Favorite indulgence? (why is it ok to use favorite before the "i" word here and not anywhere else?) im going to have to say sleep. i thought about this one for awhile. i love to sleep-in and it is my favorite thing in the world to take naps… or just chill in my bed on a weekend and surf the net in between snoozes.
J. January or July? definitely january… cant beat the flip-flop weather winters of az
K. Kids? someday… i always wanted to have like 4 or 5 … which is strange bc most ppl know that kids and i dont really mesh too well
L. Life isn't complete without? Love. any form. (do i get points for using an "L" word?)
M. Marriage Date? (aaaaahahahahahhahahahaha) i literally just laughed out loud.
N. Number of brothers and sisters? one older brother
O. Oranges or Apples?
P. Phobia's? none. i used to be afraid of getting burnt and had a hard time lighting matches or fireworks and such…but i got over that already.
Q. Quotes? never settle. – my bff kelli
find out who you are, and do it on purpose. –not sure where i got that one
S. Season of choice? spring. not a big fan of coldness or extreme heat… and green is a nice color to see (even if its only for a couple weeks) plus the desert seems to also become more yellow, pink, and purple as well… i like that
T. Tag 5 people. I do not know that many people that blog. So, since april did not do it… I am tagging Matt because he has not updated in forever and I know he has plenty of free time no matter what everyone else may think…. and Cara, im not sure how often you read this, but you have been tagged.
U. Unknown fact about me? unknown to most …… i had imaginary friends growing up.
V. Vegetable? Something I do not eat very often.
W. Worst Habit? Can’t decide if biting my nails is worse than my extreme messiness… or if procrastination trumps both of them
X. Xray or ultrasound? wtf? depends on what the heck im in the hospital for!
Y. Your favorite food? (oh. how creative to use YOUR for the “Y” word….who comes up with these things?!) Pastas. Pastas. Pastas. My fav dish is the pesto penne bake with chicken at oreganos
Z. Zodiac sign? Scorpio. Pretty much all scorpio generalizations usually describe me. kind of creepy considering i believe that horoscopes and astrology things are a bunch of nonsense :)
fin.
14.6.08
a new era......
there is a such thing as being too nice. I am too nice.
why am i still dealing with people who are OBVIOUSLY taking advantage of my kindness? i mean how old are we? YES! I know what you are doing. You know what you are doing.
and yet theres still this dance around it, a sick little mind game....i consume energy trying to understand your justification and then I feel guilty for getting angry.
(who on earth decided that it was not ok to be angry? I get angry. I am angry.)
why am i still dealing with people who are OBVIOUSLY taking advantage of my kindness? i mean how old are we? YES! I know what you are doing. You know what you are doing.
and yet theres still this dance around it, a sick little mind game....i consume energy trying to understand your justification and then I feel guilty for getting angry.
(who on earth decided that it was not ok to be angry? I get angry. I am angry.)
i will not dismiss my anger
i will not feel bad for people who are irresponsible
i will not bend over backward to accommodate ANYONE
i will not waste my energy hung up on YOU
i will not bend over backward to accommodate ANYONE
i will not waste my energy hung up on YOU
dont get me wrong, im not out for vengeance.... and im not going to start being a mean, heartless, or selfish person. but i know i cant be the only one that goes through this. its the obvious things... the things people get away with, the mind games that people tend to find themselves in
i am not interested in playing stupid games with anyone anymore. i have no time for people who are not genuine.
i am not interested in playing stupid games with anyone anymore. i have no time for people who are not genuine.
10.6.08
oh. boy.
why is it so hard to just be.... ? to just live in your current situation and be content with that?
this one has been rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile.... i can never just be ...
take in today and not worry about tomorrow, and then tomorrow forget about yesterday, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I have come to realize that life is not about figuring out all the reasons, nor is about trying to anticipate reasons of the future (which takes an extreme amount of energy) .... unfortunately, the figuring out and anticipating thing...well, thats pretty much woven throughout all the fibers of my DNA
i quit my very comfortable job about a year ago....granted i did nothing all day but surf the net while the vp of the firm said everyday "we will be getting so much work soon you will wish for these days again"(6 months of that.... the office was taking bets on when he would say it again) ... but it was comfortable, and made me feel accomplished... but NO... i wanted to be at a smaller place that gave me more responsibility and more experience... so that I could become licensed faster and work on more prestigious projects to build my resume.....
hahaha...
all that really meant was that my boss was a greedy ***** (word i try not to use often) and decided to complete (uh....have her staff complete for her) ridiculously sized projects in ridiculously short amounts of time with as few salaried employees as possible. I mean, really? An office of less than 10 salaried employees needs 4 college interns? Yes... because they are only getting paid $7 an hour..... which when i did the math was just a small amount less than i was making because of all the overtime .... unpaid... unrewarded... unappreciated overtime... but HEY i was managing my own project.... BY MYSELF... On a daily basis I was barking orders to vendors and construction workers.... but NO.... i wanted someone to mentor me instead of break me down on a regular basis and talk about me behind my back in an office with no walls or doors for privacy... i wanted my time to be valued and my skills to be utilized ... i wanted to see people during daylight hours and be conscious of it....
silly me.
so i quit that job at the end of last november (maybe so i had an excuse not to buy christmas presents.... clever) and jumped into this LLC partnerships stuff.... and i whole heartily wanted it to work.... wanted to be my own boss and makes lots of my own money and finally put everything in my head and my heart to use for once...... things were rocky, ok, that is an understatement.... things are still rocky and getting rockier (thats actually a real word) yea, yea... my partner is my exboyfriend.... so what... we are good friends, it can work..... construction and design HELLO totally perfect for a business, especially when your other good friends are opening a restaurant in old town scottsdale and YOU will be the creator of the entire design concept and see it through to completion!! until. they. lose. their. investors... sigh.
so the "things not working out or going as planned" stuff.... i can deal with that, im good at disappointment and perseverance, i have patience like no other (except when driving....yea, road rager right here.... i will save that for another post) like i said .... im all about everything happening for a reason... im on my toes planning the next thing already...... which has lead me to my need for post
why can i not just be?!
im 89 percent certain i will be removing myself as partner soon and whats in my head?: why did this happen.... when will all of this make sense in the future.... did i meet him in order to be his business partner later... and if so why is it not working.... am i suppose to be learning something here... am i suppose to be an example to him.... should i stay bc i need to see this through? maybe its time to go to grad school....i could study this and then go into a career in this...or i could do that, and that...or that........ vomit of the brain........
*sigh* just today i made a list (also another thing that is weaved throughout the DNA...list making...and writing things ive done already so that i can check it off... stop judging) called "Home Improvements" and as i was going through it, realized that i needed to be more specific..... so i wrote "basic" next to it in parenthesis since these were improvements that were simple and would not require any major remodeling or planning.... because i also feel the need to make another list of major renovations that i would make when i could really afford it, or if i was planning to sell, or if i got married and we decided to make this place "ours"....etc.
Yup, thats right I have already thought about what I want my house to be like when I am married. And not just thought..... but made detailed lists in my brain and completely visualized it built as well down to the paint colors, base board size, and artwork locations... and the house i want is just the beginning .... not gonna lie, the bf and i regularly toss around plans for the future.... but me.... once an idea is tossed out there... i have already thought of at least 3 back up plans or alternate plans..... if this...then that...but then if this and this.... then we could do this
this habit can actually be really handy at times (like for date, gift, activity ideas) and i use it for all aspects of life....small and basic to very large and abstract but i have started to see the bigger picture.... well thanks to much alone time and meditation. it is amazing what god shows you when you take the time to listen.... the bigger picture is that i am consumed with dissatisfaction with my current situation in life.... i am in constant need of a plan (for EVERYTHING), which is not so bad really, but i must also act on it.... immediately or as close to immediately as possible, i need to feel accomplished... and if not acted upon.... anxiety sets in... the horrible consuming every thought every minute kind
in the end, that just leads to more regret, more "what should i be learning from this, why is this not working, where do i need to go from here... whats the reason for this... when will this lesson come in handy in the future"
i have always put on my "i dont care what people think about me attitude" which i really dont and many friends point that out as one of my best qualities.... but then why the constant need to prove myself..... not really sure.... what the heck am i trying to prove and who am i proving it to exactly?
anway, this has become very long winded... but the point is that i am starting to learn what it means to just be.... two of my roomies moved out recently... i cant cover my mortgage anymore, even with the part time job(s) ... im ok with not knowing what im going to do next, maybe some of my family whose lease is up will move in come july... maybe i will have to move home to my parents and rent the place out, maybe i will sell it ( oh wait, the market is horrible) ..... haha.... there i go with the options ..... BUT im ok with not knowing, and im not going to be anxious about it, wondering when i can pay off my newly accumulated debt... when i can get health insurance again... etc etc
thanks to my great and sometimes excessively supporting parents and to my amazingly stable god....
i will not let unknown reasons of yesterday and tomorrow consume me!
(this should be read with an "im stating this firmly and optimistically so that i can feel better about it but actually am completely unsure if i can do this" tone)
this one has been rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile.... i can never just be ...
take in today and not worry about tomorrow, and then tomorrow forget about yesterday, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I have come to realize that life is not about figuring out all the reasons, nor is about trying to anticipate reasons of the future (which takes an extreme amount of energy) .... unfortunately, the figuring out and anticipating thing...well, thats pretty much woven throughout all the fibers of my DNA
i quit my very comfortable job about a year ago....granted i did nothing all day but surf the net while the vp of the firm said everyday "we will be getting so much work soon you will wish for these days again"(6 months of that.... the office was taking bets on when he would say it again) ... but it was comfortable, and made me feel accomplished... but NO... i wanted to be at a smaller place that gave me more responsibility and more experience... so that I could become licensed faster and work on more prestigious projects to build my resume.....
hahaha...
all that really meant was that my boss was a greedy ***** (word i try not to use often) and decided to complete (uh....have her staff complete for her) ridiculously sized projects in ridiculously short amounts of time with as few salaried employees as possible. I mean, really? An office of less than 10 salaried employees needs 4 college interns? Yes... because they are only getting paid $7 an hour..... which when i did the math was just a small amount less than i was making because of all the overtime .... unpaid... unrewarded... unappreciated overtime... but HEY i was managing my own project.... BY MYSELF... On a daily basis I was barking orders to vendors and construction workers.... but NO.... i wanted someone to mentor me instead of break me down on a regular basis and talk about me behind my back in an office with no walls or doors for privacy... i wanted my time to be valued and my skills to be utilized ... i wanted to see people during daylight hours and be conscious of it....
silly me.
so i quit that job at the end of last november (maybe so i had an excuse not to buy christmas presents.... clever) and jumped into this LLC partnerships stuff.... and i whole heartily wanted it to work.... wanted to be my own boss and makes lots of my own money and finally put everything in my head and my heart to use for once...... things were rocky, ok, that is an understatement.... things are still rocky and getting rockier (thats actually a real word) yea, yea... my partner is my exboyfriend.... so what... we are good friends, it can work..... construction and design HELLO totally perfect for a business, especially when your other good friends are opening a restaurant in old town scottsdale and YOU will be the creator of the entire design concept and see it through to completion!! until. they. lose. their. investors... sigh.
so the "things not working out or going as planned" stuff.... i can deal with that, im good at disappointment and perseverance, i have patience like no other (except when driving....yea, road rager right here.... i will save that for another post) like i said .... im all about everything happening for a reason... im on my toes planning the next thing already...... which has lead me to my need for post
why can i not just be?!
im 89 percent certain i will be removing myself as partner soon and whats in my head?: why did this happen.... when will all of this make sense in the future.... did i meet him in order to be his business partner later... and if so why is it not working.... am i suppose to be learning something here... am i suppose to be an example to him.... should i stay bc i need to see this through? maybe its time to go to grad school....i could study this and then go into a career in this...or i could do that, and that...or that........ vomit of the brain........
*sigh* just today i made a list (also another thing that is weaved throughout the DNA...list making...and writing things ive done already so that i can check it off... stop judging) called "Home Improvements" and as i was going through it, realized that i needed to be more specific..... so i wrote "basic" next to it in parenthesis since these were improvements that were simple and would not require any major remodeling or planning.... because i also feel the need to make another list of major renovations that i would make when i could really afford it, or if i was planning to sell, or if i got married and we decided to make this place "ours"....etc.
Yup, thats right I have already thought about what I want my house to be like when I am married. And not just thought..... but made detailed lists in my brain and completely visualized it built as well down to the paint colors, base board size, and artwork locations... and the house i want is just the beginning .... not gonna lie, the bf and i regularly toss around plans for the future.... but me.... once an idea is tossed out there... i have already thought of at least 3 back up plans or alternate plans..... if this...then that...but then if this and this.... then we could do this
this habit can actually be really handy at times (like for date, gift, activity ideas) and i use it for all aspects of life....small and basic to very large and abstract but i have started to see the bigger picture.... well thanks to much alone time and meditation. it is amazing what god shows you when you take the time to listen.... the bigger picture is that i am consumed with dissatisfaction with my current situation in life.... i am in constant need of a plan (for EVERYTHING), which is not so bad really, but i must also act on it.... immediately or as close to immediately as possible, i need to feel accomplished... and if not acted upon.... anxiety sets in... the horrible consuming every thought every minute kind
in the end, that just leads to more regret, more "what should i be learning from this, why is this not working, where do i need to go from here... whats the reason for this... when will this lesson come in handy in the future"
i have always put on my "i dont care what people think about me attitude" which i really dont and many friends point that out as one of my best qualities.... but then why the constant need to prove myself..... not really sure.... what the heck am i trying to prove and who am i proving it to exactly?
anway, this has become very long winded... but the point is that i am starting to learn what it means to just be.... two of my roomies moved out recently... i cant cover my mortgage anymore, even with the part time job(s) ... im ok with not knowing what im going to do next, maybe some of my family whose lease is up will move in come july... maybe i will have to move home to my parents and rent the place out, maybe i will sell it ( oh wait, the market is horrible) ..... haha.... there i go with the options ..... BUT im ok with not knowing, and im not going to be anxious about it, wondering when i can pay off my newly accumulated debt... when i can get health insurance again... etc etc
thanks to my great and sometimes excessively supporting parents and to my amazingly stable god....
i will not let unknown reasons of yesterday and tomorrow consume me!
(this should be read with an "im stating this firmly and optimistically so that i can feel better about it but actually am completely unsure if i can do this" tone)
28.5.08
employed!
i gave in and am now working again in retail (part time of course, i dont really want to go insane).... things haven't really changed since i have been gone, so this new job is cake. but i forgot what it feels like to actually stand for several hours at a time without rest ......my body is hating me right now.
the new job has also brought back a new (or old really...just not thought about for some time) list of retail insight(*cough venting*) to share...
1. I am sorry if I can't just glance at you and guess what size you wear..... I am not even sure of what size I wear most of the time.....so please don't act appalled if I guess too big, you asked....
2. Yes, if you are inappropriately rude to me.... I will do anything it takes to get you out of my store as soon as possible.... this includes telling you that the store does not carry what you are looking for and/or hanging out in the stock room for a bit and coming out to tell you we do not have something in your size when we very well may...
3. I do not care how nice you think you are being.... do not try to put things back where you got them... I just end up having to button, zip, fold, tie, hang, and size order them AGAIN anyway... and that is only if you actually found the right spot.... and then I have other irate customers insisting that they "found it on the sale rack"
4. Sometimes, managers assign people to zones.... if you think I am ignoring you and could be ringing you up so that you can make it to the sale next door 5 minutes sooner.... think again... I have probably been assigned to do something else and am not able to leave that post....for example...i may have to stand at the fitting room to make sure that you are not doing #3
5. I am REQUIRED to greet you happily at the door AND tell you ALL 100 sales that the store is having ....please just listen, or act like you are listening without the attitude.... I don't want to say it just as much as you don't want to hear it..... (If I do not do this successfully, I will be disciplined a.k.a stuck at the fitting rooms)
6. I am also REQUIRED to ask you if you would like to save an extra percentage off of your purchase by opening a line of credit with my store.... once again, attitude is not needed..... I could care less about how many other credit cards you have.... a simple no will do(disciplinary action above applies)
7. Another thing that I am REQUIRED to do is suggest things that will compliment what you are already purchasing or thinking about purchasing.... I am in no way trying to trick, force, or swindle you into spending more money.... I get paid the same amount of money regardless of what you do or do not buy
8. Is there a sign at the mall entrance, that I don't know about, that says "No Manners Allowed"? A *Please* and *Thank you* would be nice, considering I do not work for tips and I am giving you better service than any waiter/waitress/valet/pizza guy/etc. you will ever meet
9. Just as this should apply in most public places.... I am not getting paid to be your maid... Do you really need to leave gum, spilled drinks, tissues you blew your nose in, mashed up food in the fitting rooms or on clothing fixtures for me to find? Is that like some weird kind of practical joke you play and laugh about on your drive home?
10. If you know ahead of time that you are looking for white summer dresses (any type of clothing can be substituted here) and you plan on trying a bajillion of them on.... wearing less make-up would be a good idea...... yea I know my world revolves around you, the customer, but your foundation and lipstick are now smudged all over, potentially ruining our merchandise and the merchandise of the 10 other stores you were at before this one
11. I realize that you may not view retail sales as the most prestigious type of job for someone to have.... but condescending tone and actions are not welcome.... While I am waiting on you hand and foot, I am also thinking about how much longer I have to do this to save enough for GRADUATE SCHOOL ..... no.....working here is not my greatest achievement in life, one day you will be shopping in MY stores
12. Rules are rules. It is not my fault that you forgot the return policy is 30 days, thought the coupon was good through next month, lost your receipt, didn't know the mall was closing early for the holiday, or that you misunderstood the sale signs ..... Getting mad at me for your oversight is pointless and a waste of my time
(time that I could be using to zip, button, fold, hang and put back all 600 pairs of pants you left wadded up on the floor of the fitting room)
the new job has also brought back a new (or old really...just not thought about for some time) list of retail insight(*cough venting*) to share...
1. I am sorry if I can't just glance at you and guess what size you wear..... I am not even sure of what size I wear most of the time.....so please don't act appalled if I guess too big, you asked....
2. Yes, if you are inappropriately rude to me.... I will do anything it takes to get you out of my store as soon as possible.... this includes telling you that the store does not carry what you are looking for and/or hanging out in the stock room for a bit and coming out to tell you we do not have something in your size when we very well may...
3. I do not care how nice you think you are being.... do not try to put things back where you got them... I just end up having to button, zip, fold, tie, hang, and size order them AGAIN anyway... and that is only if you actually found the right spot.... and then I have other irate customers insisting that they "found it on the sale rack"
4. Sometimes, managers assign people to zones.... if you think I am ignoring you and could be ringing you up so that you can make it to the sale next door 5 minutes sooner.... think again... I have probably been assigned to do something else and am not able to leave that post....for example...i may have to stand at the fitting room to make sure that you are not doing #3
5. I am REQUIRED to greet you happily at the door AND tell you ALL 100 sales that the store is having ....please just listen, or act like you are listening without the attitude.... I don't want to say it just as much as you don't want to hear it..... (If I do not do this successfully, I will be disciplined a.k.a stuck at the fitting rooms)
6. I am also REQUIRED to ask you if you would like to save an extra percentage off of your purchase by opening a line of credit with my store.... once again, attitude is not needed..... I could care less about how many other credit cards you have.... a simple no will do(disciplinary action above applies)
7. Another thing that I am REQUIRED to do is suggest things that will compliment what you are already purchasing or thinking about purchasing.... I am in no way trying to trick, force, or swindle you into spending more money.... I get paid the same amount of money regardless of what you do or do not buy
8. Is there a sign at the mall entrance, that I don't know about, that says "No Manners Allowed"? A *Please* and *Thank you* would be nice, considering I do not work for tips and I am giving you better service than any waiter/waitress/valet/pizza guy/etc. you will ever meet
9. Just as this should apply in most public places.... I am not getting paid to be your maid... Do you really need to leave gum, spilled drinks, tissues you blew your nose in, mashed up food in the fitting rooms or on clothing fixtures for me to find? Is that like some weird kind of practical joke you play and laugh about on your drive home?
10. If you know ahead of time that you are looking for white summer dresses (any type of clothing can be substituted here) and you plan on trying a bajillion of them on.... wearing less make-up would be a good idea...... yea I know my world revolves around you, the customer, but your foundation and lipstick are now smudged all over, potentially ruining our merchandise and the merchandise of the 10 other stores you were at before this one
11. I realize that you may not view retail sales as the most prestigious type of job for someone to have.... but condescending tone and actions are not welcome.... While I am waiting on you hand and foot, I am also thinking about how much longer I have to do this to save enough for GRADUATE SCHOOL ..... no.....working here is not my greatest achievement in life, one day you will be shopping in MY stores
12. Rules are rules. It is not my fault that you forgot the return policy is 30 days, thought the coupon was good through next month, lost your receipt, didn't know the mall was closing early for the holiday, or that you misunderstood the sale signs ..... Getting mad at me for your oversight is pointless and a waste of my time
(time that I could be using to zip, button, fold, hang and put back all 600 pairs of pants you left wadded up on the floor of the fitting room)
22.5.08
my little world
i have been housesitting since saturday in....of all places...eloy. new community for older people. i guess they don't really care what city they live in as long as there is a security gate and a golf course right?
its been nice and relaxing. in the middle of nowhere with no roommates and no television (which i figured out recently that there is tv....satelite at that....but i continue to act like i dont know that).
i have had things to do still at home in tempe, so there have been some treks back and forth. but i enjoyed them. a lot of good thinking time put in. (2 nights ago i even got adventurous and took all back roads home from gilbert....through queen creek -the town not the road-....florence....coolidge....casa grande...to get to eloy. i can already hear the men in my life *why would you do that.....what if you broke down...yada yada*)
my mind has been doing inventory of my life lately on these drives:
--------------thursday night ----
hung out with kelli (friend since age 5, played soccer as kids, had almost all high school classes with, double dated to prom twice, co-captains high school ...club....and college soccer, went to asu with, roomates 1 year tempe, was her bridesmaid....)
and her husband joe(friend since grade school, grew up 2 houses away from, my cousins best friend, threw me in the swimming pool at brad myers bday party...)
-------------friday night ----
drove to eloy to console melissa (friend since age 5, went to school every morning together for 8 years, made up roller skating routines in driveway to songs like "insane in the membrane", spent countless summers doing every city offered activity, played soccer together 8 years, got drunk together for the first time in high school after being influenced by our "cool" senior friend, technically her maid of honor..... saw mt. st. helens together....)
-----------monday night ----
went to my indoor soccer game and played with stephanie (friend since 5th grade club soccer....jr high, high school and club soccer.... grew up on the street behind me......once high centered her bronco in the desert and walked back barefoot together.....tried to teach me to drive stick......bridesmaid at her wedding.... have seen both of her babies grow up into fiesty boys.... was there for the "break-up"....)
and also played with marcella (friend since grade school.... had a major crush on her older bro my whole life... club and high school soccer.... my bar buddy and partner in crime throughout college.... worked for an insane boss together......current roomate for past year and a half....)
----------tuesday ----
spent the day at palo verde elementary's field day, where my mom and dad (self explanatory) are both teachers
they work with my good friend, casey(friend since 4th grade.... made up silly secret clubs with secret code names ....were international pen pals whenever on vacation.... club and high school soccer..... once dated guys that were best friends and from eloy..ew..... was an official sister on her family vacations..... moms were good friends and we never got away with anything bc of it.... )
and just for fun, their boss is dolores (my boyfriends aunt...)
in a span of a week.... this is typical... the people that i see the most are people that i have know for basically my whole life.... my best friends.... or friends of my best friends.... or my actual family.... or family of my best friends.... they have been with me at the mundane times in life that i now look back on and smile.... its so weird.
on my drives i wonder a lot about how my life would be if i didnt have so many ties back to my past, my whole upbringing..... who would i be if i didnt have that reminder of my roots...of who i really am...... who is so blessed that they can forever have a connection with the people resposible for making them who they are?
i wondered too, how many times have i made that drive? on almost the ugliest stretch of I-10 between phoenix and tucson....... i know every bend and bump in the road... the names of all the unimportant overpasses.... all the alternate routes in case of accidents and closures...... the favorite steak-out places of the highway patrol.....
its like my own little world..... phoenix to casa grande.... the stretch of I-10..... my little bubble...i dont stray much from it....only for short periods of time....
i wonder what it would be like to leave my bubble....and what place would even be worthy enough to be my new bubble?? what an adventure to create a new little world for myself.....
oh...the possibilities when my mind is just allowed to think away...wrecklessly.......i think this is a great argument to get rid of my tv.
its been nice and relaxing. in the middle of nowhere with no roommates and no television (which i figured out recently that there is tv....satelite at that....but i continue to act like i dont know that).
i have had things to do still at home in tempe, so there have been some treks back and forth. but i enjoyed them. a lot of good thinking time put in. (2 nights ago i even got adventurous and took all back roads home from gilbert....through queen creek -the town not the road-....florence....coolidge....casa grande...to get to eloy. i can already hear the men in my life *why would you do that.....what if you broke down...yada yada*)
my mind has been doing inventory of my life lately on these drives:
--------------thursday night ----
hung out with kelli (friend since age 5, played soccer as kids, had almost all high school classes with, double dated to prom twice, co-captains high school ...club....and college soccer, went to asu with, roomates 1 year tempe, was her bridesmaid....)
and her husband joe(friend since grade school, grew up 2 houses away from, my cousins best friend, threw me in the swimming pool at brad myers bday party...)
-------------friday night ----
drove to eloy to console melissa (friend since age 5, went to school every morning together for 8 years, made up roller skating routines in driveway to songs like "insane in the membrane", spent countless summers doing every city offered activity, played soccer together 8 years, got drunk together for the first time in high school after being influenced by our "cool" senior friend, technically her maid of honor..... saw mt. st. helens together....)
-----------monday night ----
went to my indoor soccer game and played with stephanie (friend since 5th grade club soccer....jr high, high school and club soccer.... grew up on the street behind me......once high centered her bronco in the desert and walked back barefoot together.....tried to teach me to drive stick......bridesmaid at her wedding.... have seen both of her babies grow up into fiesty boys.... was there for the "break-up"....)
and also played with marcella (friend since grade school.... had a major crush on her older bro my whole life... club and high school soccer.... my bar buddy and partner in crime throughout college.... worked for an insane boss together......current roomate for past year and a half....)
----------tuesday ----
spent the day at palo verde elementary's field day, where my mom and dad (self explanatory) are both teachers
they work with my good friend, casey(friend since 4th grade.... made up silly secret clubs with secret code names ....were international pen pals whenever on vacation.... club and high school soccer..... once dated guys that were best friends and from eloy..ew..... was an official sister on her family vacations..... moms were good friends and we never got away with anything bc of it.... )
and just for fun, their boss is dolores (my boyfriends aunt...)
in a span of a week.... this is typical... the people that i see the most are people that i have know for basically my whole life.... my best friends.... or friends of my best friends.... or my actual family.... or family of my best friends.... they have been with me at the mundane times in life that i now look back on and smile.... its so weird.
on my drives i wonder a lot about how my life would be if i didnt have so many ties back to my past, my whole upbringing..... who would i be if i didnt have that reminder of my roots...of who i really am...... who is so blessed that they can forever have a connection with the people resposible for making them who they are?
i wondered too, how many times have i made that drive? on almost the ugliest stretch of I-10 between phoenix and tucson....... i know every bend and bump in the road... the names of all the unimportant overpasses.... all the alternate routes in case of accidents and closures...... the favorite steak-out places of the highway patrol.....
its like my own little world..... phoenix to casa grande.... the stretch of I-10..... my little bubble...i dont stray much from it....only for short periods of time....
i wonder what it would be like to leave my bubble....and what place would even be worthy enough to be my new bubble?? what an adventure to create a new little world for myself.....
oh...the possibilities when my mind is just allowed to think away...wrecklessly.......i think this is a great argument to get rid of my tv.
19.5.08
in your language
...I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not...
14.5.08
exhausted
im tired of people making me feel worthless.
my whole life...... i have let too many people make me feel like dirt.
i have let too many people, hurt me too many times....and have taken it too to heart.... (i know that is not really grammatically correct) but u get what im saying
its exhausting.
im too good for this.
you know? they are not good enough for me. they do not deserve me....... to have me thinking about them, worrying for them, praying for them, planning my life around them....... listening to their struggles.... sharing in their joys
its exhausting.
i am exhausted.
even more than that...... im done.
my whole life...... i have let too many people make me feel like dirt.
i have let too many people, hurt me too many times....and have taken it too to heart.... (i know that is not really grammatically correct) but u get what im saying
its exhausting.
im too good for this.
you know? they are not good enough for me. they do not deserve me....... to have me thinking about them, worrying for them, praying for them, planning my life around them....... listening to their struggles.... sharing in their joys
its exhausting.
i am exhausted.
even more than that...... im done.
12.5.08
Reflection
So purging my things seems to have started another cycle of self-reflection. I have been in my introverted mood lately. So much so, that I do not even care where my cell phone is right now. (It is my only real connection with other human beings and the outside world most of the time you know) And I'm pretty sure the last time I ate was sometime yesterday evening.
People (*cough* my parents, roommates, significant others) may look at this as being very unproductive. But really, a large amount of work that has been going on inside of my head. Not fair that I have to have real physical results to prove myself these days. Being an adult is overrated.
Anyway, the reason why I decided to post today (yes still unshowered in my pajamas) was actually to be humorous.
I like to take personality quizzes, all kinds, all the time.... just to see how accurate i think they are. Its a game. So fun. This morning i decided i wanted to take (for like the 10 gazillionth time) ....i can't think of the name....but its the one where you get letters (INFJ, ESTJ.... etc) .....i know it has a name, because back in the day ASU used to charge you to take it at a testing center. But now its too popular and methods have leaked because I just took it on facebook. Anyway, I always get the same thing, so I dont know why I still take it. Thinking that maybe I am different today than 4 years ago.
Anyway, the humorous part:
I now have a completely valid reason for being messy:
The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of external world.
This really is the most accurate personality description I have ever taken. I read it in awe.
And now, Im going to just post the entire thing. Because I can...... heh, no but really I would just like to share. (just a warning, its really long.....)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People (*cough* my parents, roommates, significant others) may look at this as being very unproductive. But really, a large amount of work that has been going on inside of my head. Not fair that I have to have real physical results to prove myself these days. Being an adult is overrated.
Anyway, the reason why I decided to post today (yes still unshowered in my pajamas) was actually to be humorous.
I like to take personality quizzes, all kinds, all the time.... just to see how accurate i think they are. Its a game. So fun. This morning i decided i wanted to take (for like the 10 gazillionth time) ....i can't think of the name....but its the one where you get letters (INFJ, ESTJ.... etc) .....i know it has a name, because back in the day ASU used to charge you to take it at a testing center. But now its too popular and methods have leaked because I just took it on facebook. Anyway, I always get the same thing, so I dont know why I still take it. Thinking that maybe I am different today than 4 years ago.
Anyway, the humorous part:
I now have a completely valid reason for being messy:
The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of external world.
This really is the most accurate personality description I have ever taken. I read it in awe.
And now, Im going to just post the entire thing. Because I can...... heh, no but really I would just like to share. (just a warning, its really long.....)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
INFJs are future oriented, and direct their insight and inspiration toward the understanding of themselves and thereby human nature. Their work mirrors their integrity, and it needs to reflect their inner ideals. Solitude and an opportunity to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to them. INFJs prefer to quietly exert their influence. They have deeply felt compassion, and they desire harmony with others. INFJs understand the complexities existing within people and among them. They are at their best concentrating on their ideas, ideals, and inspirations.
Living
INFJ children have two sides. They can be very much involved in the world of people, as well as quiet, imaginative, and in their own world. They are usually gentle and abhor violence. As teenager, INFJs look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate them. Without this support, they can feel isolated from others. INFJs who do not find a supportive social group may find the teen years to be somewhat difficult for them because of peer pressure to be popular and activity oriented. They are not likely to enjoy large parties, but prefer intimate groups of close and long-standing friends.
Many INFJs who have the opportunity to gravitate toward higher education where they often find their niche. With their intellectual bent, they are led to endeavors that allow them to deal with theory and complexity. Professors often spot their intellectual inclination and encourage it.
INFJs often settle early into a career choice and diligently apply themselves to the career's requirements. This same diligent pattern applies when selecting other important things in their lives, such as where to live, who to marry, and what activities are worthy of their dedication.
INFJs have an internal picture of how they would like their work to contribute to the general good. If they are in an appropriate career area, INFJs may reap the rewards of their insight and hard work. Because of their future-focus, their people orientation, and their push toward task completion, they may rise to positions of responsibility.
Learning
INFJs have a strong love of learning, and they tend to do well academically. Through persistence, diligence, and conscientiousness, they complete their assignments on time. They are likely to enjoy research and will go great lengths to find answers.
INFJs enjoy investigating the possibilities and meanings beyond the actual facts and realities. Reading holds a particular fascination for them because it allows them to have quiet reflection time and engages their imagination. They also like the written word (and rely on it more than the spoken word) since it is usually better structured and more coherent with a ready-made framework.
INFJs write and communicate well because they want to formulate their ideas clearly. They place high regard on their reader and audience. They seek to communicate their ideals to others. When their ideals need to be championed, they speak up in an enthusiastic and impassioned way.
As students, INFJs prefer learning from teachers whom they both like and admire, and who give them personal attention. INFJs are often 'model' students. They are quiet and orderly, reflective and thoughtful, and sincerely want to please their teachers and learn the right thing. They learn best from others but want time to assimilate material by themselves.
INFJs will go beyond what has been presented and often mull material over in their minds. Occasionally they will discuss ruminations with others in order to learn even more. They particularly like the more conceptual and theoretical classes, therefore, higher education is comfortable to them.
Working
INFJs tend to be devoted to what they believe in and seek work where their needs, values, and ideals can be deeply engaged. They move on the wave of their inspirations and are determined to see that their values are worked out in their lives. They will work toward their goals individually and, when needed, will put together a team of other highly dedicated people like themselves. They are personal be with others, working with integrity and consistency, and they follow through on their commitments. INFJs, while concentrating on what is important to them, may ignore the political ramifications of their actions. They can be surprised by the necessity of being political and usually resent that aspect of organizational life. Being able to talk honestly and comfortably to people at work is much more important to them than 'playing games.'
INFJs orient themselves toward their goals using a personal, values-based framework. They do not 'advertise' their values and priorities because they believe in harmony and positive relationships. However, one would do well not to underestimate the amount of perseverance, energy, and time INFJs give to their priorities. What they do, they do with an almost religious intensity.
The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of external world.
INFJs prefer occupations that focus on the big picture, involve conceptual awareness, and lead to a better understanding of the spiritual, emotional, or future needs of people. They want their work to have impact and meaning and for it to bring them admiration and respect.
While INFJs can and do enter all occupations, some are more appealing to them than others. These include clergy, education consultant, English teacher, fine arts teacher, librarian, psychiatrist, psychologist, scientist, social worker, and other occupations that allow INFJs an opportunity to make their own creative contribution.
Leading
INFJs lead through their quiet yet persistent and determined effort toward long-range goals for themselves, others and their organizations. In working toward their vision, they win cooperation rather than demand it. INFJs work to make their insights real and are able to inspire others with their ideals. They use a low-key, soft, yet intense and determined course of action. When they do not directly lead others, they may still act as facilitators between people. In meetings, they focus on both people and new ideas.
Leisure
Leisure-time pursuits for INFJs are often solitary or involve the company of others who are particularly important to them. Sitting around with dear friends discussing feelings can be very special to INFJs. INFJs are likely to have friends of long standing rather than make many new acquaintances. They may meet with their friends fairly consistently to share what is happening in their lives. It is sometimes difficult for others to break into this circle. These deep friendships are important, even though INFJs may not share much directly about themselves.
Loving
For INFJs, 'still waters run deep.' They tend to become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep relationship over many superficial ones. The depth of involvement and feeling that the INFJ has toward loved ones is only partially communicated outward. At times, when alone, INFJs become truly in touch with the depth of the love they have for their partner. They may not openly demonstrate or even verbalize their intense feelings. INFJs often have an ideal standard of what love is. They hold to their ideal and are disappointed when, inevitably, their relationship and/or mate reveals flaws. INFJs enjoy sharing activities like a regular 'date,' revisiting the place where they first met their mates, or doing other symbolic things that help to continue and confirm the existence of the bond that they feel for their partner.
INFJs want to give love and to be loved. They enter into relationships just to be cared for, even when the person is not right for them and they suspect it. However, when they meet that special person, they are quick to get into the relationship and make it a serious one. They will end their other relationships in order to pursue their loved one. They become very focused, intense, and direct in that pursuit.
INFJs, when scorned, take it personally and retreat inward. They may obsess about the relationship and their role in its failure. One INFJ explained, 'people can do the most outrageous things, yet I blame myself for triggering their behaviour or not recognizing it. I see myself as responsible for relationships. Other people can dismiss them --- I'm not able to.' INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalized their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long periods of self-examination.
5.5.08
8th Grade Wisdom
so i have been on this kick lately of shedding my complexities...... that sounds so sophisticated right??
HA! Really it means that im getting rid of A LOT of junk. I am one of those pack-rat types where getting rid of things is very ritualistic and sometimes emotional. I can't simply go through everything and decide "keep" or "trash."I have to meticulously look through it...if called for I must read every page/side/scribble of it.....and ponder about that time in my life. Who knew my time sheets and meeting notes could make me remember what I had for lunch two years ago and what I was wearing on that day?
So I'm doing this as we speak and I realized some things.... I have been 5'4" since I was in the 8th grade. How disappointing...considering I no long weigh 102lbs! And also, the core of my personality has not changed since I was in the 8th grade either. Check this out (taken from the chicken soup for the teenage soul journal):
Make a list of all the things you like about yourself:
eyes, teeth, kindness, butt, athleticism, toes, clothes, lips, smile, im in shape, i get good grades
Make a list of all the things you don't like about yourself:
skin(acne), height, hair, short temper, shyness, my laugh is horrible, nail-biting, messy room
What special talents do you have?
I run fast, i play soccer and volleyball well, musical on piano and clarinet, excellent photographic memory, i cook good food
What are some of your favorite things to do?
Sports, "thinking" games on pc and N64, surf the net & chat online, be goofy with my friends, draw/redecorate my room, shop, watch movies
Make a list of things you are self-conscious about:
weight, skin, what people think of me
I would love and respect myself more if:
I would stop trying to make things happen the way I want them to and if I would be more Christian than I act
Write about things that are difficult for you:
Its hard for me to talk about emotions to anyone, Its hard to get along with my dad, Its hard to be a Christian, Its hard to stay calm dealing with ignorant people, I have a hard time sticking with things
Are you religious? I'm just a Christian. That's not a religion.
Name one thing you would change about yourself: I would change my singing voice
For what are you grateful ? Everything & everyone that has changed my life in some way or kept me safe, healthy, and happy
How would you describe a true friend? Always there and thats it. They dont have to be happy or nice or truthful all the time. NOBODY is that way. So they would just have to be exactly how they are but always be there for me.
Make a list of the qualities you want in a boyfriend:
Christian, class, humor, caring, unpredictable, athletic, love for music, cute, romantic
What is the best thing about being in a relationship: the feeling that you are loved
What is the best thing about NOT being in a relationship: the arguments that you DONT have
I haven't changed a bit.....that gives me a great sense of peace. Only if someone would have told me that I was on the right track back then!! Seriously, I would now like to just cut out the high school and college eras of my life, because all of those life experiences have led me to this new path....... which happens to be the same path I was on at age 14!!! Wow... talk about taking a detour. Goodness.
I guess that is not entirely true. Too bad I can't just cut and paste all of the good things of my high school and college eras together...i can't do that right? Really...not possible? ok.
OK. So just thought of another very weird piece of that "path" analogy/metaphor (whatevs)
I also now have the same bf I did when I was in 8th grade.
I just blew my own mind. I hope my future children will have the same wisdom when they are that young...I promise I will make them aware of it.
(p.s. this is now book idea #2)
HA! Really it means that im getting rid of A LOT of junk. I am one of those pack-rat types where getting rid of things is very ritualistic and sometimes emotional. I can't simply go through everything and decide "keep" or "trash."I have to meticulously look through it...if called for I must read every page/side/scribble of it.....and ponder about that time in my life. Who knew my time sheets and meeting notes could make me remember what I had for lunch two years ago and what I was wearing on that day?
So I'm doing this as we speak and I realized some things.... I have been 5'4" since I was in the 8th grade. How disappointing...considering I no long weigh 102lbs! And also, the core of my personality has not changed since I was in the 8th grade either. Check this out (taken from the chicken soup for the teenage soul journal):
Make a list of all the things you like about yourself:
eyes, teeth, kindness, butt, athleticism, toes, clothes, lips, smile, im in shape, i get good grades
Make a list of all the things you don't like about yourself:
skin(acne), height, hair, short temper, shyness, my laugh is horrible, nail-biting, messy room
What special talents do you have?
I run fast, i play soccer and volleyball well, musical on piano and clarinet, excellent photographic memory, i cook good food
What are some of your favorite things to do?
Sports, "thinking" games on pc and N64, surf the net & chat online, be goofy with my friends, draw/redecorate my room, shop, watch movies
Make a list of things you are self-conscious about:
weight, skin, what people think of me
I would love and respect myself more if:
I would stop trying to make things happen the way I want them to and if I would be more Christian than I act
Write about things that are difficult for you:
Its hard for me to talk about emotions to anyone, Its hard to get along with my dad, Its hard to be a Christian, Its hard to stay calm dealing with ignorant people, I have a hard time sticking with things
Are you religious? I'm just a Christian. That's not a religion.
Name one thing you would change about yourself: I would change my singing voice
For what are you grateful ? Everything & everyone that has changed my life in some way or kept me safe, healthy, and happy
How would you describe a true friend? Always there and thats it. They dont have to be happy or nice or truthful all the time. NOBODY is that way. So they would just have to be exactly how they are but always be there for me.
Make a list of the qualities you want in a boyfriend:
Christian, class, humor, caring, unpredictable, athletic, love for music, cute, romantic
What is the best thing about being in a relationship: the feeling that you are loved
What is the best thing about NOT being in a relationship: the arguments that you DONT have
I haven't changed a bit.....that gives me a great sense of peace. Only if someone would have told me that I was on the right track back then!! Seriously, I would now like to just cut out the high school and college eras of my life, because all of those life experiences have led me to this new path....... which happens to be the same path I was on at age 14!!! Wow... talk about taking a detour. Goodness.
I guess that is not entirely true. Too bad I can't just cut and paste all of the good things of my high school and college eras together...i can't do that right? Really...not possible? ok.
OK. So just thought of another very weird piece of that "path" analogy/metaphor (whatevs)
I also now have the same bf I did when I was in 8th grade.
I just blew my own mind. I hope my future children will have the same wisdom when they are that young...I promise I will make them aware of it.
(p.s. this is now book idea #2)
23.4.08
celebration .... (read with very sarcastic tone)
today is my last day of class.......... this was the worst way to spend $400.00 that I could have ever imagined, i could have....bought an awesome purse instead...(or several nice purses and some shoes) yet... how would i ever live without all this amazingly interesting knowledge about cement mixtures...... psi strength.... and fly ash.....
honestly concrete was so much more fascinating when i didnt know anything about it..... i feel like the magician just shared all of his secrets with me .......!
i guess one good thing that came out of the semester of "graduate" school...... i picked the right major the first time.... oh wait, 2 good things..... i have a tax deduction next year.
jubilation.
honestly concrete was so much more fascinating when i didnt know anything about it..... i feel like the magician just shared all of his secrets with me .......!
i guess one good thing that came out of the semester of "graduate" school...... i picked the right major the first time.... oh wait, 2 good things..... i have a tax deduction next year.
jubilation.
21.4.08
islander fun.....
so.....another eventful islander event took place today in arizona...... good times...
the women's islander fellowship volleyball tournament fundraiser (i have yet to hear what exactly they were "raising" money for..... it was worth the $5 dollars ...especially when your dad is your team sponsor...thanks dad...and U-first Financial) took place tonight......directly after another nightmarish day of "corrupting children's minds." (I'm just going to leave that one alone).
so..... here is the trophy in its brand-new habitat....my dining room side table! (yea....my team didnt win..but my cousins did and so....we have the trophy...im so proud!!!!)
i was glad to be there even though my team got eliminated in the first round.... the kids got to see me in a different environment/element and i think they can appreciate me a little more.....same with the rest of my ginormous extended family
and i am starting to learn everyone's name.... "clan" to which they belong....(clan as in: mesa, the stapley's, phoenix, dobson ranch etc....we talk about our families according to what area of phoenix they live in now....neat huh?) what island they are originally from (which usually correlates with clan) and how they are related to me (if at all really).... um.... how do you say information overload in micronesian???!!!!
im so thankful for these opportunities to be part of their world.....as frustrating sometimes as the cultural differences can be (i will leave that for some other blog sometime...there are just some things that i will never understand) they indisputably know what it means to be a family through the good, bad, funny, sad and unimaginable (to most americans anyway) drama.
When it comes down to it, what is more important than that anyway? They are a really good reality check. I hope someday that i can be immersed in a group of friends and family just like them.......i hope that the closest people to me will handle the crazy, angry, ridiculous, idiotic, parts of me because they can't live without the good parts of me either ......
the women's islander fellowship volleyball tournament fundraiser (i have yet to hear what exactly they were "raising" money for..... it was worth the $5 dollars ...especially when your dad is your team sponsor...thanks dad...and U-first Financial) took place tonight......directly after another nightmarish day of "corrupting children's minds." (I'm just going to leave that one alone).
so..... here is the trophy in its brand-new habitat....my dining room side table! (yea....my team didnt win..but my cousins did and so....we have the trophy...im so proud!!!!)i was glad to be there even though my team got eliminated in the first round.... the kids got to see me in a different environment/element and i think they can appreciate me a little more.....same with the rest of my ginormous extended family
and i am starting to learn everyone's name.... "clan" to which they belong....(clan as in: mesa, the stapley's, phoenix, dobson ranch etc....we talk about our families according to what area of phoenix they live in now....neat huh?) what island they are originally from (which usually correlates with clan) and how they are related to me (if at all really).... um.... how do you say information overload in micronesian???!!!!
im so thankful for these opportunities to be part of their world.....as frustrating sometimes as the cultural differences can be (i will leave that for some other blog sometime...there are just some things that i will never understand) they indisputably know what it means to be a family through the good, bad, funny, sad and unimaginable (to most americans anyway) drama.
When it comes down to it, what is more important than that anyway? They are a really good reality check. I hope someday that i can be immersed in a group of friends and family just like them.......i hope that the closest people to me will handle the crazy, angry, ridiculous, idiotic, parts of me because they can't live without the good parts of me either ......
17.4.08
book idea #1
while my mind was wandering during bible study tonight i thought it would be great to compile a collection of different christian's experience of god's "randomness"...... i like to call it his randomness.....
i just seem to hear everyone (pastor....aunt....friends....myself...bf) share these stories of random events that mean nothing to them but end up turning into or leading to some kind of life changing experience and can only be seen in hind-sight..... and most of them are really good....sometimes humorous... i think we can all relate
you think anyone would read that? would you read that? or is it too...... chicken-soup-for-the-soul like ??? (a lot of people read those though.....right?)
anyway, im only posting this now bc it came back to my mind at this very moment and i am recording it somewhere that i wont misplace or throw away :)
i just seem to hear everyone (pastor....aunt....friends....myself...bf) share these stories of random events that mean nothing to them but end up turning into or leading to some kind of life changing experience and can only be seen in hind-sight..... and most of them are really good....sometimes humorous... i think we can all relate
you think anyone would read that? would you read that? or is it too...... chicken-soup-for-the-soul like ??? (a lot of people read those though.....right?)
anyway, im only posting this now bc it came back to my mind at this very moment and i am recording it somewhere that i wont misplace or throw away :)
16.4.08
ok ok ......
i know i ranted about junk emails....but this one i had to put in and it was one of those "forward to 5 people" ones too........ ugh :
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together
Remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
If you send this to 5 people, then you have a chance to touch 5 people.
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together
Remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
If you send this to 5 people, then you have a chance to touch 5 people.
prayer answered
just returned from a great time with some new friends (although i still want the the 2 hours of my life back wasted on watching time bandits....)
a long time ago i vaguely remember praying and hoping that i could find a church and meet new christian friends to fellowship with...... and tonight i realize thats exactly what has happened... coming home at 2:30 in the morning back then meant a lot of bad things, but not anymore
not much else to say, i heard a great song on the way home in the car (isnt it great when the radio seems to be playing the soundtrack of your life at the exact right moments??) about letting your words be few and just being in awe of jesus
thats exactly how i feel, i just want to enjoy this sense of overwhelming love and power that has completely changed my life
a long time ago i vaguely remember praying and hoping that i could find a church and meet new christian friends to fellowship with...... and tonight i realize thats exactly what has happened... coming home at 2:30 in the morning back then meant a lot of bad things, but not anymore
not much else to say, i heard a great song on the way home in the car (isnt it great when the radio seems to be playing the soundtrack of your life at the exact right moments??) about letting your words be few and just being in awe of jesus
thats exactly how i feel, i just want to enjoy this sense of overwhelming love and power that has completely changed my life
14.4.08
i am a sunday school teacher??
i never thought that sunday school teacher would ever be a way to describe me at any point in my life....... ppl who know me and my lack of affection for kids sometimes....you can stop laughing now.......
today was my first attempt at running a sunday school class (i say attempt because i can humbly say that there was not much accomplished)...the "islander" side of my family holds their own church service in their own language(s) conveniently at the church i happen to attend every sunday "after hours" i like to cleverly call it......
anyway, my very generous aunt becky normally teaches, and its a huge job because there are many kids ranging from ages 4 -12...... complete chaos is the best way to help you visualize this, she's taking a break for the summer...... and now i understand why :)
i dont really want to sound so negative....i mean even though the minute it started i couldnt wait for it to be over..... i enjoyed myself... just trying to get to know them and observe them...feel them out.....i even made a new friend...i mean a kid actually sat by me and hugged me today. thats odd to me, but very satisfying and good to my soul
i pray that these kids will continue to bless me and that this proves to be part of gods plan for me i have so much love in me for them i could burst.......it is difficult for me to imagine somehow conveying this to them by teaching... and reaching them and being a part of their walk with him
the people pleasing part of me just wants to be cool and fun and have everyone like me......!
on a completely different tangent...... i had someone make a comment to me this morning that i was helping to corrupt the minds of children..... it happened so quickly that i was completely at a loss for words.....this is a woman i interact with frequently and have always respected....
im kind of disappointed that i had nothing bold to say....nothing at all........ it also made me realize that i really do have to use every minute of my life to reflect christ in me, to everyone around me....
*very big sigh* my head hurts now that it has dawned on me how many people i know and see and interact with regularly that i never would have pegged as "people that need jesus" (haha....... that sounds so old school southern baptist) but dont truely have him in their lives.....
today was my first attempt at running a sunday school class (i say attempt because i can humbly say that there was not much accomplished)...the "islander" side of my family holds their own church service in their own language(s) conveniently at the church i happen to attend every sunday "after hours" i like to cleverly call it......
anyway, my very generous aunt becky normally teaches, and its a huge job because there are many kids ranging from ages 4 -12...... complete chaos is the best way to help you visualize this, she's taking a break for the summer...... and now i understand why :)
i dont really want to sound so negative....i mean even though the minute it started i couldnt wait for it to be over..... i enjoyed myself... just trying to get to know them and observe them...feel them out.....i even made a new friend...i mean a kid actually sat by me and hugged me today. thats odd to me, but very satisfying and good to my soul
i pray that these kids will continue to bless me and that this proves to be part of gods plan for me i have so much love in me for them i could burst.......it is difficult for me to imagine somehow conveying this to them by teaching... and reaching them and being a part of their walk with him
the people pleasing part of me just wants to be cool and fun and have everyone like me......!
on a completely different tangent...... i had someone make a comment to me this morning that i was helping to corrupt the minds of children..... it happened so quickly that i was completely at a loss for words.....this is a woman i interact with frequently and have always respected....
im kind of disappointed that i had nothing bold to say....nothing at all........ it also made me realize that i really do have to use every minute of my life to reflect christ in me, to everyone around me....
*very big sigh* my head hurts now that it has dawned on me how many people i know and see and interact with regularly that i never would have pegged as "people that need jesus" (haha....... that sounds so old school southern baptist) but dont truely have him in their lives.....
9.4.08
im addicted to the internet
cool game at discovery.com
my new favorite song...
if you watch Lost.... this game can be time consuming .... didnt really think the results were that great though.... but the combinations are endless
i want to go here and here .....and here ......AND here (again)
my eyes hurt.....im going to attempt to fall asleep now.........
my new favorite song...
if you watch Lost.... this game can be time consuming .... didnt really think the results were that great though.... but the combinations are endless
i want to go here and here .....and here ......AND here (again)
my eyes hurt.....im going to attempt to fall asleep now.........
am i going to fast for you?
sorry if i am.... but i have accidentally gotten myself back on my "nocturnal" schedule... and for reasons not to be explained i am currently banned from facebook......
my only outlets left are myspace (not as cool as facebook), watching shows on abc.om or fox.com (already caught up on EVERYTHING that i like to watch and not interested in adding another show the list to follow up on) , or surfing through handful of religion related sites....... which brings me to my post....
This site....bugs the crap out of me....and there is no place to comment (aka argue and challenge) what they say......I found it from those "ads by Google" things, you know the creepy ones that always know the key words related to the sites you surf or emails that you get.... and the headers/titles always relate to stuff you are interested in.... technology is amazing sometimes.
And also stupid... i mean if i clicked it how many other ppl are reading this crap..... and 1)believe it or 2) associate it with all christianity ...... i actually liked it at first until i kept reading..... :(
anyway, go to link if u have time..... its pretty long winded and not easy on the eye to read.... and they even have some cool bios of ppl like william penn..... haha quakers........ bc they seem to have outlasted the test of time.....
thats all....i will be up for much longer im sure, so maybe i will post more interesting sites i find ?
who knows! :)
Oh, and just for the record..... Hall V Worthington.... you are nuts!!!
my only outlets left are myspace (not as cool as facebook), watching shows on abc.om or fox.com (already caught up on EVERYTHING that i like to watch and not interested in adding another show the list to follow up on) , or surfing through handful of religion related sites....... which brings me to my post....
This site....bugs the crap out of me....and there is no place to comment (aka argue and challenge) what they say......I found it from those "ads by Google" things, you know the creepy ones that always know the key words related to the sites you surf or emails that you get.... and the headers/titles always relate to stuff you are interested in.... technology is amazing sometimes.
And also stupid... i mean if i clicked it how many other ppl are reading this crap..... and 1)believe it or 2) associate it with all christianity ...... i actually liked it at first until i kept reading..... :(
anyway, go to link if u have time..... its pretty long winded and not easy on the eye to read.... and they even have some cool bios of ppl like william penn..... haha quakers........ bc they seem to have outlasted the test of time.....
thats all....i will be up for much longer im sure, so maybe i will post more interesting sites i find ?
who knows! :)
Oh, and just for the record..... Hall V Worthington.... you are nuts!!!
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