John 10:10

I came that they might have life, and have it more abundantly...

Abundant...you know, like more than enough...full. Whenever I think of the word full I get the image of my belly swelling from too much food..... like after thanksgiving dinner when everyone has to undo the top button on their pants (you know you do). Thanksgiving dinner is always satisfying..... I would never have associated Jesus or my life as satisfying as thanksgiving dinner.

here were my thoughts as to why:

1. Is God even using me right now for anything great, anything big...anything special? Am I even worth it?

2. Why can't I show others that I interact with "Christ-in-me"...? Im always messing something up...

3. Do I even know what I believe? I'm not even sure if what I believe is true sometimes, how can I seriously share that with other people?


To live abundantly....or to live life to the fullest, is so frustrating when you don't really understand what that is suppose to look like... Those were the thoughts i wrote during the very first day of the study.... supposedly, if i really understand grace... than the abundant life Jesus mentions is not so hard to have (this is the whole theme of the study)

but this was my only concept of grace when i started:

grace covers all sins.... past, present, future and allowed my salvation.

It has been revealed to me that grace is so much more than that...

Which leads me to the one thing that stood out to me the most at the beginning. A very simple statement that didnt mean much when i first underlined it, but going over it again today.... it has blown my mind.....

The author is discussing the different ways people gain knowledge, the first being by receiving information and the other by revelation (this being a supernatural way....or from the Holy Spirit) In a nutshell:

Education informs you, the result: you know more.
Revelation transforms you, the result: you can be more....

I can actually be.... or experience gods word.... !

Thats amazing to me. I had never thought of learning in any other way besides the "school" way. I think it may be because I enjoy gaining knowledge. I like to learn (read Im a huge nerd). And I am really good at it.... not to brag or anything.

But stay with me here....

So information educates me, but God wants me to have more than an education on things like jesus, grace, etc. He wants me to have an experience, so much so that the Holy Spirit will just allow me to understand things... all things.... any things.. even the really hard and confusing things....

Grace is more than some definition that I can regurgitate about my forgiveness of sins. It doesn't just stop at the reason I am saved. Its an experience... a way to live, not just another piece of information to store in my brain.

Wow... and this was just the first day!

i know something you dont know

so it has been a little over 8 weeks since i posted this ... and i did not think i was ever going to come to a real conclusion about that question... my bf even turned it into a joke.

well, no more laughing! i just finished up an 8 week study called the Grace Walk Experience. i have done a couple devotional type bible studies so i didnt think much of this one when my group started it.... i mean, how different will this be? they are all the same...

But today I stand corrected. This book has changed my entire life and has completely set me free..... because now I know:

God has no expectations of me. None. Zero.

And I can say that in complete confidence. I know that I have nothing to achieve, nothing to attain, and nothing to prove. To anyone... not even God.

I am completely perfect and holy. God doesn't just see me that way, I AM that way... completely righteous. There is no way for me to "get closer" to him or somehow become a more holy or godly person. No way....none at all. I am already there.

All because of the past 8 weeks, I have discovered my real identity in Christ... it is mind blowing...but so freeing. My next couple of posts are going to be all about this. I have learned so much, I am going through the whole thing again, and I want to share it here.

****NOTE*****
All of you lurkers.... or creepers...whatever the blog lingo is for those of you who read but never make yourself known, I am inviting you to throw some ideas around with me for the next couple of posts. ( I know that you exist bc I can see you on my tracker.... but i have no idea who any of you are)

tagged by the queen :)

omg, april! what the heck is this tagging stuff?? anyway…. i really wanted something to do tonight so this is like an answered prayer, kind of.

The ABC's of me:

A. Attached or Single? Single… if this is like tax forms i fill out, otherwise its complicated.

B. Best Friend? or friends…bc I can never just choose one… I have 4 girls that I have known practically my whole life that will always have my back and that I can always count on when it matters. they are the ones that know who I am and I feel most comfortable around …. choosing a maid of honor is going to suck…

C. Cake or Pie? Cake… hands down…. I have never really been into pie… but maybe cuz I never grew up with someone who made a lot of good homemade pies.

D. Day of choice? hmmm….never thought about this one before….my birthday? lately thursday because it’s my weekend… the only day I do not work, babysit, play soccer, or go to church (wich essentially are the only things I do, ever)

E. Essential item? cell phone. i feel like i have lost an appendage when i forget it or when the battery dies! but just to note chapstick is a very close second

F. Favorite color? this is a ridiculous question to ask a designer!! Cmon….color is my favorite. Just for kicks I will say that I tend to be drawn to greens, most shades…not really the deep ones (like hunter green)..my all time favorite green is the color of golf grass.

G. Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms are more fun to eat and i just want to share (since it is my blog and i do what i want) that i only buy gummy things on road trips, it makes it feel special :)

H. Home town? Yea, i agree with you on this april, what does this mean? Where I live now? Where I was born? Where I grew up? i live in tempe, az …if you look it up at urbandictionary.com it is pretty hilarious….. i was born in montepelier, idaho …the majority of my upbringing took place in casa grande, az (sometimes referred to as the barren space between phoenix and tucson)

I. Favorite indulgence? (why is it ok to use favorite before the "i" word here and not anywhere else?) im going to have to say sleep. i thought about this one for awhile. i love to sleep-in and it is my favorite thing in the world to take naps… or just chill in my bed on a weekend and surf the net in between snoozes.

J. January or July? definitely january… cant beat the flip-flop weather winters of az

K. Kids? someday… i always wanted to have like 4 or 5 … which is strange bc most ppl know that kids and i dont really mesh too well

L. Life isn't complete without? Love. any form. (do i get points for using an "L" word?)

M. Marriage Date? (aaaaahahahahahhahahahaha) i literally just laughed out loud.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? one older brother

O. Oranges or Apples? Oranges. To make a long explanation short, i have a slight overbite…sliced things are easier to eat… oranges do not require a knife…im lazy.

P. Phobia's? none. i used to be afraid of getting burnt and had a hard time lighting matches or fireworks and such…but i got over that already.

Q. Quotes? never settle. – my bff kelli
find out who you are, and do it on purpose. –not sure where i got that one

R. Reasons to smile? not many at this point in time…. im alive. thats always good.

S. Season of choice? spring. not a big fan of coldness or extreme heat… and green is a nice color to see (even if its only for a couple weeks) plus the desert seems to also become more yellow, pink, and purple as well… i like that

T. Tag 5 people. I do not know that many people that blog. So, since april did not do it… I am tagging Matt because he has not updated in forever and I know he has plenty of free time no matter what everyone else may think…. and Cara, im not sure how often you read this, but you have been tagged.

U. Unknown fact about me? unknown to most …… i had imaginary friends growing up.

V. Vegetable? Something I do not eat very often.

W. Worst Habit? Can’t decide if biting my nails is worse than my extreme messiness… or if procrastination trumps both of them

X. Xray or ultrasound? wtf? depends on what the heck im in the hospital for!

Y. Your favorite food? (oh. how creative to use YOUR for the “Y” word….who comes up with these things?!) Pastas. Pastas. Pastas. My fav dish is the pesto penne bake with chicken at oreganos

Z. Zodiac sign? Scorpio. Pretty much all scorpio generalizations usually describe me. kind of creepy considering i believe that horoscopes and astrology things are a bunch of nonsense :)

fin.

a new era......

there is a such thing as being too nice. I am too nice.

why am i still dealing with people who are OBVIOUSLY taking advantage of my kindness? i mean how old are we? YES! I know what you are doing. You know what you are doing.

and yet theres still this dance around it, a sick little mind game....i consume energy trying to understand your justification and then I feel guilty for getting angry.

(who on earth decided that it was not ok to be angry? I get angry. I am angry.)

i will not dismiss my anger

i will not feel bad for people who are irresponsible

i will not bend over backward to accommodate ANYONE

i will not waste my energy hung up on YOU

dont get me wrong, im not out for vengeance.... and im not going to start being a mean, heartless, or selfish person. but i know i cant be the only one that goes through this. its the obvious things... the things people get away with, the mind games that people tend to find themselves in

i am not interested in playing stupid games with anyone anymore. i have no time for people who are not genuine.

oh. boy.

why is it so hard to just be.... ? to just live in your current situation and be content with that?

this one has been rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile.... i can never just be ...

take in today and not worry about tomorrow, and then tomorrow forget about yesterday, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I have come to realize that life is not about figuring out all the reasons, nor is about trying to anticipate reasons of the future (which takes an extreme amount of energy) .... unfortunately, the figuring out and anticipating thing...well, thats pretty much woven throughout all the fibers of my DNA

i quit my very comfortable job about a year ago....granted i did nothing all day but surf the net while the vp of the firm said everyday "we will be getting so much work soon you will wish for these days again"(6 months of that.... the office was taking bets on when he would say it again) ... but it was comfortable, and made me feel accomplished... but NO... i wanted to be at a smaller place that gave me more responsibility and more experience... so that I could become licensed faster and work on more prestigious projects to build my resume.....

hahaha...

all that really meant was that my boss was a greedy ***** (word i try not to use often) and decided to complete (uh....have her staff complete for her) ridiculously sized projects in ridiculously short amounts of time with as few salaried employees as possible. I mean, really? An office of less than 10 salaried employees needs 4 college interns? Yes... because they are only getting paid $7 an hour..... which when i did the math was just a small amount less than i was making because of all the overtime .... unpaid... unrewarded... unappreciated overtime... but HEY i was managing my own project.... BY MYSELF... On a daily basis I was barking orders to vendors and construction workers.... but NO.... i wanted someone to mentor me instead of break me down on a regular basis and talk about me behind my back in an office with no walls or doors for privacy... i wanted my time to be valued and my skills to be utilized ... i wanted to see people during daylight hours and be conscious of it....

silly me.

so i quit that job at the end of last november (maybe so i had an excuse not to buy christmas presents.... clever) and jumped into this LLC partnerships stuff.... and i whole heartily wanted it to work.... wanted to be my own boss and makes lots of my own money and finally put everything in my head and my heart to use for once...... things were rocky, ok, that is an understatement.... things are still rocky and getting rockier (thats actually a real word) yea, yea... my partner is my exboyfriend.... so what... we are good friends, it can work..... construction and design HELLO totally perfect for a business, especially when your other good friends are opening a restaurant in old town scottsdale and YOU will be the creator of the entire design concept and see it through to completion!! until. they. lose. their. investors... sigh.

so the "things not working out or going as planned" stuff.... i can deal with that, im good at disappointment and perseverance, i have patience like no other (except when driving....yea, road rager right here.... i will save that for another post) like i said .... im all about everything happening for a reason... im on my toes planning the next thing already...... which has lead me to my need for post

why can i not just be?!

im 89 percent certain i will be removing myself as partner soon and whats in my head?: why did this happen.... when will all of this make sense in the future.... did i meet him in order to be his business partner later... and if so why is it not working.... am i suppose to be learning something here... am i suppose to be an example to him.... should i stay bc i need to see this through? maybe its time to go to grad school....i could study this and then go into a career in this...or i could do that, and that...or that........ vomit of the brain........

*sigh* just today i made a list (also another thing that is weaved throughout the DNA...list making...and writing things ive done already so that i can check it off... stop judging) called "Home Improvements" and as i was going through it, realized that i needed to be more specific..... so i wrote "basic" next to it in parenthesis since these were improvements that were simple and would not require any major remodeling or planning.... because i also feel the need to make another list of major renovations that i would make when i could really afford it, or if i was planning to sell, or if i got married and we decided to make this place "ours"....etc.

Yup, thats right I have already thought about what I want my house to be like when I am married. And not just thought..... but made detailed lists in my brain and completely visualized it built as well down to the paint colors, base board size, and artwork locations... and the house i want is just the beginning .... not gonna lie, the bf and i regularly toss around plans for the future.... but me.... once an idea is tossed out there... i have already thought of at least 3 back up plans or alternate plans..... if this...then that...but then if this and this.... then we could do this

this habit can actually be really handy at times (like for date, gift, activity ideas) and i use it for all aspects of life....small and basic to very large and abstract but i have started to see the bigger picture.... well thanks to much alone time and meditation. it is amazing what god shows you when you take the time to listen.... the bigger picture is that i am consumed with dissatisfaction with my current situation in life.... i am in constant need of a plan (for EVERYTHING), which is not so bad really, but i must also act on it.... immediately or as close to immediately as possible, i need to feel accomplished... and if not acted upon.... anxiety sets in... the horrible consuming every thought every minute kind

in the end, that just leads to more regret, more "what should i be learning from this, why is this not working, where do i need to go from here... whats the reason for this... when will this lesson come in handy in the future"

i have always put on my "i dont care what people think about me attitude" which i really dont and many friends point that out as one of my best qualities.... but then why the constant need to prove myself..... not really sure.... what the heck am i trying to prove and who am i proving it to exactly?

anway, this has become very long winded... but the point is that i am starting to learn what it means to just be.... two of my roomies moved out recently... i cant cover my mortgage anymore, even with the part time job(s) ... im ok with not knowing what im going to do next, maybe some of my family whose lease is up will move in come july... maybe i will have to move home to my parents and rent the place out, maybe i will sell it ( oh wait, the market is horrible) ..... haha.... there i go with the options ..... BUT im ok with not knowing, and im not going to be anxious about it, wondering when i can pay off my newly accumulated debt... when i can get health insurance again... etc etc

thanks to my great and sometimes excessively supporting parents and to my amazingly stable god....

i will not let unknown reasons of yesterday and tomorrow consume me!
(this should be read with an "im stating this firmly and optimistically so that i can feel better about it but actually am completely unsure if i can do this" tone)