oh. boy.

why is it so hard to just be.... ? to just live in your current situation and be content with that?

this one has been rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile.... i can never just be ...

take in today and not worry about tomorrow, and then tomorrow forget about yesterday, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I have come to realize that life is not about figuring out all the reasons, nor is about trying to anticipate reasons of the future (which takes an extreme amount of energy) .... unfortunately, the figuring out and anticipating thing...well, thats pretty much woven throughout all the fibers of my DNA

i quit my very comfortable job about a year ago....granted i did nothing all day but surf the net while the vp of the firm said everyday "we will be getting so much work soon you will wish for these days again"(6 months of that.... the office was taking bets on when he would say it again) ... but it was comfortable, and made me feel accomplished... but NO... i wanted to be at a smaller place that gave me more responsibility and more experience... so that I could become licensed faster and work on more prestigious projects to build my resume.....

hahaha...

all that really meant was that my boss was a greedy ***** (word i try not to use often) and decided to complete (uh....have her staff complete for her) ridiculously sized projects in ridiculously short amounts of time with as few salaried employees as possible. I mean, really? An office of less than 10 salaried employees needs 4 college interns? Yes... because they are only getting paid $7 an hour..... which when i did the math was just a small amount less than i was making because of all the overtime .... unpaid... unrewarded... unappreciated overtime... but HEY i was managing my own project.... BY MYSELF... On a daily basis I was barking orders to vendors and construction workers.... but NO.... i wanted someone to mentor me instead of break me down on a regular basis and talk about me behind my back in an office with no walls or doors for privacy... i wanted my time to be valued and my skills to be utilized ... i wanted to see people during daylight hours and be conscious of it....

silly me.

so i quit that job at the end of last november (maybe so i had an excuse not to buy christmas presents.... clever) and jumped into this LLC partnerships stuff.... and i whole heartily wanted it to work.... wanted to be my own boss and makes lots of my own money and finally put everything in my head and my heart to use for once...... things were rocky, ok, that is an understatement.... things are still rocky and getting rockier (thats actually a real word) yea, yea... my partner is my exboyfriend.... so what... we are good friends, it can work..... construction and design HELLO totally perfect for a business, especially when your other good friends are opening a restaurant in old town scottsdale and YOU will be the creator of the entire design concept and see it through to completion!! until. they. lose. their. investors... sigh.

so the "things not working out or going as planned" stuff.... i can deal with that, im good at disappointment and perseverance, i have patience like no other (except when driving....yea, road rager right here.... i will save that for another post) like i said .... im all about everything happening for a reason... im on my toes planning the next thing already...... which has lead me to my need for post

why can i not just be?!

im 89 percent certain i will be removing myself as partner soon and whats in my head?: why did this happen.... when will all of this make sense in the future.... did i meet him in order to be his business partner later... and if so why is it not working.... am i suppose to be learning something here... am i suppose to be an example to him.... should i stay bc i need to see this through? maybe its time to go to grad school....i could study this and then go into a career in this...or i could do that, and that...or that........ vomit of the brain........

*sigh* just today i made a list (also another thing that is weaved throughout the DNA...list making...and writing things ive done already so that i can check it off... stop judging) called "Home Improvements" and as i was going through it, realized that i needed to be more specific..... so i wrote "basic" next to it in parenthesis since these were improvements that were simple and would not require any major remodeling or planning.... because i also feel the need to make another list of major renovations that i would make when i could really afford it, or if i was planning to sell, or if i got married and we decided to make this place "ours"....etc.

Yup, thats right I have already thought about what I want my house to be like when I am married. And not just thought..... but made detailed lists in my brain and completely visualized it built as well down to the paint colors, base board size, and artwork locations... and the house i want is just the beginning .... not gonna lie, the bf and i regularly toss around plans for the future.... but me.... once an idea is tossed out there... i have already thought of at least 3 back up plans or alternate plans..... if this...then that...but then if this and this.... then we could do this

this habit can actually be really handy at times (like for date, gift, activity ideas) and i use it for all aspects of life....small and basic to very large and abstract but i have started to see the bigger picture.... well thanks to much alone time and meditation. it is amazing what god shows you when you take the time to listen.... the bigger picture is that i am consumed with dissatisfaction with my current situation in life.... i am in constant need of a plan (for EVERYTHING), which is not so bad really, but i must also act on it.... immediately or as close to immediately as possible, i need to feel accomplished... and if not acted upon.... anxiety sets in... the horrible consuming every thought every minute kind

in the end, that just leads to more regret, more "what should i be learning from this, why is this not working, where do i need to go from here... whats the reason for this... when will this lesson come in handy in the future"

i have always put on my "i dont care what people think about me attitude" which i really dont and many friends point that out as one of my best qualities.... but then why the constant need to prove myself..... not really sure.... what the heck am i trying to prove and who am i proving it to exactly?

anway, this has become very long winded... but the point is that i am starting to learn what it means to just be.... two of my roomies moved out recently... i cant cover my mortgage anymore, even with the part time job(s) ... im ok with not knowing what im going to do next, maybe some of my family whose lease is up will move in come july... maybe i will have to move home to my parents and rent the place out, maybe i will sell it ( oh wait, the market is horrible) ..... haha.... there i go with the options ..... BUT im ok with not knowing, and im not going to be anxious about it, wondering when i can pay off my newly accumulated debt... when i can get health insurance again... etc etc

thanks to my great and sometimes excessively supporting parents and to my amazingly stable god....

i will not let unknown reasons of yesterday and tomorrow consume me!
(this should be read with an "im stating this firmly and optimistically so that i can feel better about it but actually am completely unsure if i can do this" tone)