employed!

i gave in and am now working again in retail (part time of course, i dont really want to go insane).... things haven't really changed since i have been gone, so this new job is cake. but i forgot what it feels like to actually stand for several hours at a time without rest ......my body is hating me right now.

the new job has also brought back a new (or old really...just not thought about for some time) list of retail insight(*cough venting*) to share...

1. I am sorry if I can't just glance at you and guess what size you wear..... I am not even sure of what size I wear most of the time.....so please don't act appalled if I guess too big, you asked....

2. Yes, if you are inappropriately rude to me.... I will do anything it takes to get you out of my store as soon as possible.... this includes telling you that the store does not carry what you are looking for and/or hanging out in the stock room for a bit and coming out to tell you we do not have something in your size when we very well may...

3. I do not care how nice you think you are being.... do not try to put things back where you got them... I just end up having to button, zip, fold, tie, hang, and size order them AGAIN anyway... and that is only if you actually found the right spot.... and then I have other irate customers insisting that they "found it on the sale rack"

4. Sometimes, managers assign people to zones.... if you think I am ignoring you and could be ringing you up so that you can make it to the sale next door 5 minutes sooner.... think again... I have probably been assigned to do something else and am not able to leave that post....for example...i may have to stand at the fitting room to make sure that you are not doing #3

5. I am REQUIRED to greet you happily at the door AND tell you ALL 100 sales that the store is having ....please just listen, or act like you are listening without the attitude.... I don't want to say it just as much as you don't want to hear it..... (If I do not do this successfully, I will be disciplined a.k.a stuck at the fitting rooms)

6. I am also REQUIRED to ask you if you would like to save an extra percentage off of your purchase by opening a line of credit with my store.... once again, attitude is not needed..... I could care less about how many other credit cards you have.... a simple no will do(disciplinary action above applies)

7. Another thing that I am REQUIRED to do is suggest things that will compliment what you are already purchasing or thinking about purchasing.... I am in no way trying to trick, force, or swindle you into spending more money.... I get paid the same amount of money regardless of what you do or do not buy

8. Is there a sign at the mall entrance, that I don't know about, that says "No Manners Allowed"? A *Please* and *Thank you* would be nice, considering I do not work for tips and I am giving you better service than any waiter/waitress/valet/pizza guy/etc. you will ever meet

9. Just as this should apply in most public places.... I am not getting paid to be your maid... Do you really need to leave gum, spilled drinks, tissues you blew your nose in, mashed up food in the fitting rooms or on clothing fixtures for me to find? Is that like some weird kind of practical joke you play and laugh about on your drive home?

10. If you know ahead of time that you are looking for white summer dresses (any type of clothing can be substituted here) and you plan on trying a bajillion of them on.... wearing less make-up would be a good idea...... yea I know my world revolves around you, the customer, but your foundation and lipstick are now smudged all over, potentially ruining our merchandise and the merchandise of the 10 other stores you were at before this one

11. I realize that you may not view retail sales as the most prestigious type of job for someone to have.... but condescending tone and actions are not welcome.... While I am waiting on you hand and foot, I am also thinking about how much longer I have to do this to save enough for GRADUATE SCHOOL ..... no.....working here is not my greatest achievement in life, one day you will be shopping in MY stores

12. Rules are rules. It is not my fault that you forgot the return policy is 30 days, thought the coupon was good through next month, lost your receipt, didn't know the mall was closing early for the holiday, or that you misunderstood the sale signs ..... Getting mad at me for your oversight is pointless and a waste of my time

(time that I could be using to zip, button, fold, hang and put back all 600 pairs of pants you left wadded up on the floor of the fitting room)

my little world

i have been housesitting since saturday in....of all places...eloy. new community for older people. i guess they don't really care what city they live in as long as there is a security gate and a golf course right?

its been nice and relaxing. in the middle of nowhere with no roommates and no television (which i figured out recently that there is tv....satelite at that....but i continue to act like i dont know that).

i have had things to do still at home in tempe, so there have been some treks back and forth. but i enjoyed them. a lot of good thinking time put in. (2 nights ago i even got adventurous and took all back roads home from gilbert....through queen creek -the town not the road-....florence....coolidge....casa grande...to get to eloy. i can already hear the men in my life *why would you do that.....what if you broke down...yada yada*)

my mind has been doing inventory of my life lately on these drives:

--------------thursday night ----

hung out with kelli (friend since age 5, played soccer as kids, had almost all high school classes with, double dated to prom twice, co-captains high school ...club....and college soccer, went to asu with, roomates 1 year tempe, was her bridesmaid....)
and her husband joe(friend since grade school, grew up 2 houses away from, my cousins best friend, threw me in the swimming pool at brad myers bday party...)

-------------friday night ----

drove to eloy to console melissa (friend since age 5, went to school every morning together for 8 years, made up roller skating routines in driveway to songs like "insane in the membrane", spent countless summers doing every city offered activity, played soccer together 8 years, got drunk together for the first time in high school after being influenced by our "cool" senior friend, technically her maid of honor..... saw mt. st. helens together....)

-----------monday night ----

went to my indoor soccer game and played with stephanie (friend since 5th grade club soccer....jr high, high school and club soccer.... grew up on the street behind me......once high centered her bronco in the desert and walked back barefoot together.....tried to teach me to drive stick......bridesmaid at her wedding.... have seen both of her babies grow up into fiesty boys.... was there for the "break-up"....)
and also played with marcella (friend since grade school.... had a major crush on her older bro my whole life... club and high school soccer.... my bar buddy and partner in crime throughout college.... worked for an insane boss together......current roomate for past year and a half....)

----------tuesday ----

spent the day at palo verde elementary's field day, where my mom and dad (self explanatory) are both teachers
they work with my good friend, casey(friend since 4th grade.... made up silly secret clubs with secret code names ....were international pen pals whenever on vacation.... club and high school soccer..... once dated guys that were best friends and from eloy..ew..... was an official sister on her family vacations..... moms were good friends and we never got away with anything bc of it.... )
and just for fun, their boss is dolores (my boyfriends aunt...)


in a span of a week.... this is typical... the people that i see the most are people that i have know for basically my whole life.... my best friends.... or friends of my best friends.... or my actual family.... or family of my best friends.... they have been with me at the mundane times in life that i now look back on and smile.... its so weird.

on my drives i wonder a lot about how my life would be if i didnt have so many ties back to my past, my whole upbringing..... who would i be if i didnt have that reminder of my roots...of who i really am...... who is so blessed that they can forever have a connection with the people resposible for making them who they are?

i wondered too, how many times have i made that drive? on almost the ugliest stretch of I-10 between phoenix and tucson....... i know every bend and bump in the road... the names of all the unimportant overpasses.... all the alternate routes in case of accidents and closures...... the favorite steak-out places of the highway patrol.....

its like my own little world..... phoenix to casa grande.... the stretch of I-10..... my little bubble...i dont stray much from it....only for short periods of time....

i wonder what it would be like to leave my bubble....and what place would even be worthy enough to be my new bubble?? what an adventure to create a new little world for myself.....

oh...the possibilities when my mind is just allowed to think away...wrecklessly.......i think this is a great argument to get rid of my tv.

in your language

...I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel

But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you to just believe this is real

So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do

Face away and pretend that I'm not...

exhausted

im tired of people making me feel worthless.

my whole life...... i have let too many people make me feel like dirt.

i have let too many people, hurt me too many times....and have taken it too to heart.... (i know that is not really grammatically correct) but u get what im saying

its exhausting.

im too good for this.

you know? they are not good enough for me. they do not deserve me....... to have me thinking about them, worrying for them, praying for them, planning my life around them....... listening to their struggles.... sharing in their joys

its exhausting.

i am exhausted.

even more than that...... im done.

Reflection

So purging my things seems to have started another cycle of self-reflection. I have been in my introverted mood lately. So much so, that I do not even care where my cell phone is right now. (It is my only real connection with other human beings and the outside world most of the time you know) And I'm pretty sure the last time I ate was sometime yesterday evening.

People (*cough* my parents, roommates, significant others) may look at this as being very unproductive. But really, a large amount of work that has been going on inside of my head. Not fair that I have to have real physical results to prove myself these days. Being an adult is overrated.

Anyway, the reason why I decided to post today (yes still unshowered in my pajamas) was actually to be humorous.

I like to take personality quizzes, all kinds, all the time.... just to see how accurate i think they are. Its a game. So fun. This morning i decided i wanted to take (for like the 10 gazillionth time) ....i can't think of the name....but its the one where you get letters (INFJ, ESTJ.... etc) .....i know it has a name, because back in the day ASU used to charge you to take it at a testing center. But now its too popular and methods have leaked because I just took it on facebook. Anyway, I always get the same thing, so I dont know why I still take it. Thinking that maybe I am different today than 4 years ago.

Anyway, the humorous part:

I now have a completely valid reason for being messy:

The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of external world.

This really is the most accurate personality description I have ever taken. I read it in awe.
And now, Im going to just post the entire thing. Because I can...... heh, no but really I would just like to share. (just a warning, its really long.....)

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Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

INFJs are future oriented, and direct their insight and inspiration toward the understanding of themselves and thereby human nature. Their work mirrors their integrity, and it needs to reflect their inner ideals. Solitude and an opportunity to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to them. INFJs prefer to quietly exert their influence. They have deeply felt compassion, and they desire harmony with others. INFJs understand the complexities existing within people and among them. They are at their best concentrating on their ideas, ideals, and inspirations.

Living

INFJ children have two sides. They can be very much involved in the world of people, as well as quiet, imaginative, and in their own world. They are usually gentle and abhor violence. As teenager, INFJs look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate them. Without this support, they can feel isolated from others. INFJs who do not find a supportive social group may find the teen years to be somewhat difficult for them because of peer pressure to be popular and activity oriented. They are not likely to enjoy large parties, but prefer intimate groups of close and long-standing friends.

Many INFJs who have the opportunity to gravitate toward higher education where they often find their niche. With their intellectual bent, they are led to endeavors that allow them to deal with theory and complexity. Professors often spot their intellectual inclination and encourage it.

INFJs often settle early into a career choice and diligently apply themselves to the career's requirements. This same diligent pattern applies when selecting other important things in their lives, such as where to live, who to marry, and what activities are worthy of their dedication.

INFJs have an internal picture of how they would like their work to contribute to the general good. If they are in an appropriate career area, INFJs may reap the rewards of their insight and hard work. Because of their future-focus, their people orientation, and their push toward task completion, they may rise to positions of responsibility.

Learning

INFJs have a strong love of learning, and they tend to do well academically. Through persistence, diligence, and conscientiousness, they complete their assignments on time. They are likely to enjoy research and will go great lengths to find answers.

INFJs enjoy investigating the possibilities and meanings beyond the actual facts and realities. Reading holds a particular fascination for them because it allows them to have quiet reflection time and engages their imagination. They also like the written word (and rely on it more than the spoken word) since it is usually better structured and more coherent with a ready-made framework.

INFJs write and communicate well because they want to formulate their ideas clearly. They place high regard on their reader and audience. They seek to communicate their ideals to others. When their ideals need to be championed, they speak up in an enthusiastic and impassioned way.

As students, INFJs prefer learning from teachers whom they both like and admire, and who give them personal attention. INFJs are often 'model' students. They are quiet and orderly, reflective and thoughtful, and sincerely want to please their teachers and learn the right thing. They learn best from others but want time to assimilate material by themselves.

INFJs will go beyond what has been presented and often mull material over in their minds. Occasionally they will discuss ruminations with others in order to learn even more. They particularly like the more conceptual and theoretical classes, therefore, higher education is comfortable to them.

Working

INFJs tend to be devoted to what they believe in and seek work where their needs, values, and ideals can be deeply engaged. They move on the wave of their inspirations and are determined to see that their values are worked out in their lives. They will work toward their goals individually and, when needed, will put together a team of other highly dedicated people like themselves. They are personal be with others, working with integrity and consistency, and they follow through on their commitments. INFJs, while concentrating on what is important to them, may ignore the political ramifications of their actions. They can be surprised by the necessity of being political and usually resent that aspect of organizational life. Being able to talk honestly and comfortably to people at work is much more important to them than 'playing games.'

INFJs orient themselves toward their goals using a personal, values-based framework. They do not 'advertise' their values and priorities because they believe in harmony and positive relationships. However, one would do well not to underestimate the amount of perseverance, energy, and time INFJs give to their priorities. What they do, they do with an almost religious intensity.

The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of external world.

INFJs prefer occupations that focus on the big picture, involve conceptual awareness, and lead to a better understanding of the spiritual, emotional, or future needs of people. They want their work to have impact and meaning and for it to bring them admiration and respect.

While INFJs can and do enter all occupations, some are more appealing to them than others. These include clergy, education consultant, English teacher, fine arts teacher, librarian, psychiatrist, psychologist, scientist, social worker, and other occupations that allow INFJs an opportunity to make their own creative contribution.

Leading

INFJs lead through their quiet yet persistent and determined effort toward long-range goals for themselves, others and their organizations. In working toward their vision, they win cooperation rather than demand it. INFJs work to make their insights real and are able to inspire others with their ideals. They use a low-key, soft, yet intense and determined course of action. When they do not directly lead others, they may still act as facilitators between people. In meetings, they focus on both people and new ideas.

Leisure

Leisure-time pursuits for INFJs are often solitary or involve the company of others who are particularly important to them. Sitting around with dear friends discussing feelings can be very special to INFJs. INFJs are likely to have friends of long standing rather than make many new acquaintances. They may meet with their friends fairly consistently to share what is happening in their lives. It is sometimes difficult for others to break into this circle. These deep friendships are important, even though INFJs may not share much directly about themselves.

Loving

For INFJs, 'still waters run deep.' They tend to become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep relationship over many superficial ones. The depth of involvement and feeling that the INFJ has toward loved ones is only partially communicated outward. At times, when alone, INFJs become truly in touch with the depth of the love they have for their partner. They may not openly demonstrate or even verbalize their intense feelings. INFJs often have an ideal standard of what love is. They hold to their ideal and are disappointed when, inevitably, their relationship and/or mate reveals flaws. INFJs enjoy sharing activities like a regular 'date,' revisiting the place where they first met their mates, or doing other symbolic things that help to continue and confirm the existence of the bond that they feel for their partner.

INFJs want to give love and to be loved. They enter into relationships just to be cared for, even when the person is not right for them and they suspect it. However, when they meet that special person, they are quick to get into the relationship and make it a serious one. They will end their other relationships in order to pursue their loved one. They become very focused, intense, and direct in that pursuit.

INFJs, when scorned, take it personally and retreat inward. They may obsess about the relationship and their role in its failure. One INFJ explained, 'people can do the most outrageous things, yet I blame myself for triggering their behaviour or not recognizing it. I see myself as responsible for relationships. Other people can dismiss them --- I'm not able to.' INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalized their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long periods of self-examination.

INFJ Relationships

Content below copyright of BSM

INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They're likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them.

INFJ Strengths

• Warm and affirming by nature

• Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship

• Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings

• Usually have good communication skills, especially written

• Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships

• Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)

• Good listeners

• Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)

INFJ Weaknesses

• Tendency to hold back part of themselves

• Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities

• Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism

• Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)

• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

INFJs as Lovers

INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love, and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it's very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFJ's natural partner is the ENTP, or the ENFP. INFJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Extraverted Intuition.

INFJs as Parents

INFJs usually make warm and caring parents. Their goal is to help their children become adults who know the difference between right and wrong, and who are independent, growth-oriented individuals.

Along the path to that goal they are generally very warm and caring, and are likely to treat their children as individuals who have a voice in family decisions. They want their children to be able to think for themselves, and make the right decisions. They also can be quite demanding on their children, and may have very high expectations for their behavior. Although they are generally soft-spoken and gentle, they may become stubborn and sharp-tongued at times when their expectations aren't met, or when under a lot of stress.

INFJs take their parenting role with ultimate seriousness. They will make sacrifices for the sake of their children without a second thought, and without remorse. Passing on their values to their children is a serious priority in their lives. Children of INFJs remember their parents fondly as warm, patient, and inspirational.

INFJs as Friends

Although the INFJ is likely to put friends behind their God and their families in terms of importance, they do value their friendships. As idealists who have strong value systems, INFJs seek authenticity and depth in their close relationships, and especially value people who can see and appreciate the INFJ for who they are and what they stand for.

The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socializing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.

All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it.

The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be.

8th Grade Wisdom

so i have been on this kick lately of shedding my complexities...... that sounds so sophisticated right??

HA! Really it means that im getting rid of A LOT of junk. I am one of those pack-rat types where getting rid of things is very ritualistic and sometimes emotional. I can't simply go through everything and decide "keep" or "trash."I have to meticulously look through it...if called for I must read every page/side/scribble of it.....and ponder about that time in my life. Who knew my time sheets and meeting notes could make me remember what I had for lunch two years ago and what I was wearing on that day?

So I'm doing this as we speak and I realized some things.... I have been 5'4" since I was in the 8th grade. How disappointing...considering I no long weigh 102lbs! And also, the core of my personality has not changed since I was in the 8th grade either. Check this out (taken from the chicken soup for the teenage soul journal):

Make a list of all the things you like about yourself:
eyes, teeth, kindness, butt, athleticism, toes, clothes, lips, smile, im in shape, i get good grades

Make a list of all the things you don't like about yourself:
skin(acne), height, hair, short temper, shyness, my laugh is horrible, nail-biting, messy room

What special talents do you have?
I run fast, i play soccer and volleyball well, musical on piano and clarinet, excellent photographic memory, i cook good food

What are some of your favorite things to do?
Sports, "thinking" games on pc and N64, surf the net & chat online, be goofy with my friends, draw/redecorate my room, shop, watch movies

Make a list of things you are self-conscious about:
weight, skin, what people think of me

I would love and respect myself more if:
I would stop trying to make things happen the way I want them to and if I would be more Christian than I act

Write about things that are difficult for you:
Its hard for me to talk about emotions to anyone, Its hard to get along with my dad, Its hard to be a Christian, Its hard to stay calm dealing with ignorant people, I have a hard time sticking with things

Are you religious? I'm just a Christian. That's not a religion.

Name one thing you would change about yourself: I would change my singing voice

For what are you grateful ? Everything & everyone that has changed my life in some way or kept me safe, healthy, and happy

How would you describe a true friend? Always there and thats it. They dont have to be happy or nice or truthful all the time. NOBODY is that way. So they would just have to be exactly how they are but always be there for me.

Make a list of the qualities you want in a boyfriend:
Christian, class, humor, caring, unpredictable, athletic, love for music, cute, romantic

What is the best thing about being in a relationship: the feeling that you are loved
What is the best thing about NOT being in a relationship: the arguments that you DONT have

I haven't changed a bit.....that gives me a great sense of peace. Only if someone would have told me that I was on the right track back then!! Seriously, I would now like to just cut out the high school and college eras of my life, because all of those life experiences have led me to this new path....... which happens to be the same path I was on at age 14!!! Wow... talk about taking a detour. Goodness.

I guess that is not entirely true. Too bad I can't just cut and paste all of the good things of my high school and college eras together...i can't do that right? Really...not possible? ok.

OK. So just thought of another very weird piece of that "path" analogy/metaphor (whatevs)
I also now have the same bf I did when I was in 8th grade.

I just blew my own mind. I hope my future children will have the same wisdom when they are that young...I promise I will make them aware of it.

(p.s. this is now book idea #2)