sneaky....

just realized after i posted the previous.....

i have been duped... ignore as much as i want, distract myself with facebook, myspace, streaming tv shows, shopping, tax preparing, cleaning my room etc.

and the whole time ive been meditating on his word and thought about it so much that its completely taken over.... and the only thing to do is talk to him about it

ok i get it.... im here....

god is good (and pretty sneaky)

something to chew on ...

discussion this week with my small group has been rolling around in my head lately...
"God has no expectations of me..... " was a statement made and presented as truth...

trying to get my mind around that right now... basically it goes like this in my head:

God has no expectations of me! wait.... God has no expectations of me????? really?
if he does...... what does he expect from me? he doesnt need anything from me ....what i have to give is worthless compared to what he has/is.... do i just have expectations for myself? or does the church/the world have expectations of me that are not necessarily Gods expectations?

imagine that going through your head at 100mph ...more later, must think about this one more (its disrupting my life right now...i havent been able to do anything except think about this)

need sleep

!

ugh

tonight i am angry... and hurt .... and extremely tired (soccer tonight was the most intense ever) those things dont sound all that bad, but i must share this about myself:

I HATE ENDING THE DAY IN A BAD MOOD

sometimes there can be a long "winding down" process....i dont know how to not be this way right now and instead of trying to deal with it, i have decided to re-do my MySpace profile, they have these really cool flash profiles now

i know, i know..... blogger, myspace, and facebook.....am i going overboard????? oh well... what else will i distract myself with when im mad?? (hmm... sounds like another way i choose to avoid God)

i havent decided yet whether being angry is sinful...or is it the thoughts and actions taken because of my anger??? anyway... i feel like im being mistreated and for that i am angry, bitter, confused, hurt, resentful, and on the verge of being desperate or screaming my head off.... the second choice would probably feel the best

luckily, He has blessed me with absolutely wonderful and faithful friends who are here for me and they have shared with me some very insightful things tonight.....

thinking about my friends makes me smile.... i love them and should probably pray for them more often..... we are all in very rollercoasterish stages of our lives but never have they left my side no matter what our differences or what situations we are going through personally OR how far away they live from me..... thats another characteristic i associate with my friends...... they like to move to the four corners of the country and only visit on weekends when i am busy : )

i love my friends .... maybe the night wont be as long as i thought ! and just to add to that and feel that much better, im going to catch up on my bible reading too...yay!

life happens

so many things going on today.... i like sundays, since i havent been working, sundays are about the busiest days that i have with soccer, church, catching up on reading...unplanned family visits (there will most likely be a more detailed post about that soon)

i have a new roomie today! (2) great blessings coming from this: a chance to come closer to my cousin and some help with paying the bills... i still cant decide which is better :) Its true that He provides, i am guilty of not having much faith in that

sermon today was perfect, exactly something i needed to hear... came from I John about loving one another and what real love is... i got the same feeling tonight that i had the day that i heard the sermon at trinity ( church i go to back home) that caused me to change my life, God was literally screaming in my ear again.....

only tonight im so drained of energy to really think about love and the way love should be i have instead chosen to do some laundry and watch the re-run of the democratic presidential debate ( i must be getting old because i actually was interested in what they had to say)

i know that i will pay later for ignoring this opportunity to go to jesus... but life happens sometimes and i have yet to perfect the art of making my spiritual life and my "real" life one

and so it begins...

tonight i was looking for some peace of mind but i couldn't bring myself to actually write in my journal (maybe because it is 5 in the morning?) instead i chose to read some past entries and one in particular struck me as very relevant to my current situation and it also inspired a theme for my blog (oh yea!) :

"God has his own profound purpose in our afflictions, but he never takes away our joy. Earthly joy: possessions, prestige, outward success, good reputation, wealth, vanity. When we yield to the working of his spirit...our difficulties will not overwhelm us. Things i can rejoice about (always, no matter any circumstance): life, family, friends, love. I cant think of anything more joyful than life itself... life encompasses all things the fact that i am even alive outweighs any circumstance, ALWAYS... and on top of that... I am going to live forever, that is more amazing than i can even measure, imagine, or experience "

so, it reads better in my journal because i tend to list things and use lots of arrows and what not, but re-reading this was definitely good for the soul. lately, i have been preoccupied with anxious and depressing feelings related to earthly joys ... my lack of money and feelings of complete failure... but God has humbly reminded me (once again) that my focus is off

only through the power and guidance from God can I do (or have) anything... this is His story after all

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